Your Bad Movie Night Guide, Vol. 7: Class of Nuke ‘Em High

That’s not scrambled porn, it’s the hero of Class of Nuke ‘Em High shooting his laser!

I want to play with my laser!

Welcome to Class of Nuke ‘Em High, a legend in the bad movie annals. It’s producer, Troma Entertainment, is behind other notorious members of the Your Bad Movie Guide (look for some in future coverage), so you know these guys are masters of making crap. Did somebody say crap? Class of Nuke ‘Em High is here! If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if someone built a public high school one mile from a nuclear power plant and wished someone would make a scientifically responsible and reality-grounded film based off the concept, you’re shit out of luck. Class of Nuke ‘Em High has zero basis in reality. Zilch. Nada. It’s not a school. Those definitely aren’t high school age “kids.” And hazmat suits aren’t the same as disposable painters protective coveralls.

 

Class of Nuke ‘Em High
Directors:  Richard W. Haines,   Lloyd Kaufman
Release Date: December 12, 1986
Rated: UNRATED
Bad Movie Grade: C
Where to Watch: Google Play

I Recommend you view Class of Nuke ‘Em High with:

 

COME FOR THE:

• Custom-made Class of Nuke ‘Em High theme song. It’s on a lot, and its lyrics are ingenious.
• Nightmare pleasure boners!

Yes, that’s his morning wood. Hi.

STAY FOR THE:

• Zany hijinks of bros who just want to have harmless fun, even if it’s a little rapey or probably constitutes sexual harassment! Hey it was the 80s before people were aware of that stuff! [My heaviest sarcasm.]
• Acute understanding of what embodied being punk in this era.

I’ve already covered the premise of this treatise on a complete and utter lack of knowledge of everything, but we can’t be too hard on it as it’s clearly made to be comedic. Meaning, parts of this idiocracy were probably done with intent. There’s no way we’ll credit Troma with being aware enough that all of it was, but definitely some.

What’s amazing is that this movie had a $2M budget, which, back in the mid-eighties, was not nothing. And this is all that they managed to produce with it! Probably half of the footage is shot without audio and was dubbed over later by what one can presume is a single individual (for a remarkably similar production style, see YBMG vol. 6: Samurai Cop) trying to recreate three-dozen different character voices and fifty to seventy different sound effects and succeeding in replicating their own voice the entire time with amateurish noises in place of actual audio. It’s almost an incredible feat of failure.

Consume this one with friends and booze or expect permanent brain damage via wasted space.

FUCK

• One bikini top gets ripped off at a party, because, hey, you could do that back then. “They were different times.” Sure.
• Warren totally nails that stuck up Chrissy. But you knew that was coming.
• The Cretin chick who starts fondling and groping every guy in her vicinity–not sure what she’s about really. It never makes sense.

“I’m Warren, and I totally keep a beer in my shirt pocket while my girlfriend masturbates behind me in my pure oblivion.”

 MARRY

• It doesn’t happen in the movie, but you can bet at least half of these “students” are married when this was shot. Seriously, the extras must be in their late 30s or early 40s. They’re dried mummy dick old.

KILL

• One secretary who is ruthlessly gunned down just out of nowhere. She certainly never saw that coming.
• All the Cretins. If you’re going to live a fast lifestyle, expect it to end quickly.
• One poor nerd who gets singled out for being dweeb enough to use a water fountain. What a dork.

It was the eighties; all teenagers dressed like this.

UBER DIALOG

• Principal: “What happened to you people? Six months ago you were the Honors Society!”
• Loose Cretin Chick: “God bless America, limp dick.”

Who are these two and why did this shot make it in the movie at its conclusion? Friends of the directors? We’ll never know and neither will you.

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