I apologize in advance
The 80s were a sort of B-movie paradise where creating content cheaply to satiate the demands of home video viewers drove the production of endless films that otherwise might not have seen the light of day. As such, it’s little surprise that a number of the best worst movies come from this special time period. Last week, we tackled Lethal Weepin’, aka Tango & Cash. This week, we bring you another 80s treat from a true B-movie-Baron, David DeCoteau who still continues to this day to prolifically unleash these disasters upon the human race.
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is one of DeCoteau’s finest; that is to say, worst. The movie’s title itself is problematic as it’s lengthy, involves the-over-use-of-hyphenization and really should have just played it safe and simple. Sorority Babes. Sorority Dames. Nerds vs. Sorority Babes. B-Movie Babes go to College. Why tax you’re obviously already taxed audience; why strain their intellects? One can only presume that the 80s was such a shitstorm of Sorority Babe movies that one needed to distinguish oneself to stand out sufficiently from the crowd.
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama succeeds in that, at least. It’s so bad it’s good. It’s just utter garbage borrowing from everything it can possibly borrow from and doing it worse than those it borrowed from. It’s a bottom-feeding hermit crab collecting other movies shit and building itself a shit home of a shell on its back. Truly incredible. Read on, if you dare.
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
Director: David Decoteau
Release Date: January 29, 1988
Rated: R
Bad Movie Grade: C-
Where to Watch: Amazon
COME FOR THE:
- Terrible Risky Business Tom Cruise ripoff
- Former porn stars turned B-movie actresses–it’s an obvious performance as the once “Pia Snow” is far too carried away in one scene.
- Oddest paddling scene this side of Dazed and Confused: it just goes on and on, and the moans are experiencing identity confusion between arousal and pain.
STAY FOR THE:
- Monster, the “imp.” It turns out, he’s the best actor in this thing.
- Reminder that the 80s had some kickass video game arcades–that decade wasn’t all that bad!
- Utter appropriation of Porky’s, with the budget of a fifth grader’s allowance.
While Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is a renowned bad movie, I’ll be honest, I struggled through it. This is not one of my favorites. IMHO, I recommend copious amounts of alcohol accompany this disaster.
The movie opens on three quintessential 80s nerds in their [dorm?] room, with walls literally plastered with porn. One nerd, Fake Tom Cruise (Andras Jones), watches horror movies. One nerd, Fake Revenge of the Nerds Nerd (Hal Havins), “reads” Penthouse. Fat nerd (John Stuart Wildman) bemoans everything, as he’s not eating. The scene has hints at promise, but ultimately lingers for too long before awkwardly transitioning to the titular sorority sisters. Of whom there are a whopping 3. Well, at least we learn there will be initiates.
Two of ’em. But this is the biggest and best sorority on campus! Is it? What campus? It’s not even made clear that there’s an actual college. The three nerds might actually be three pervert sex offenders who literally break into and enter a private dwelling to spy on the inhabitants inside [hence the slimeslimeball]. It’s actually not that funny, if you bother to think about it–hence the booze recommendation! CHUG!
The initiation is a bit weird, but don’t worry, the spanking by paddle makes it even weirder.
Anyhow, through awkward hijinks, both the initiates, and their would-be sexual predators are sent to the local mall and its bowling alley [hence the Bowl-O-Rama] to bring something home as proof they broke in.
The plot is entirely downhill from there, weak, and stretched thinner than an 80s aerobics instructors leggings. There’s some kind of monster you’ve never heard of before, and it turns out it grants wishes! Or does it?
It’s really irrelevant–why do some of the “babes” turn into the Bride of Frankenstein and a zombie? No clue. Is it funny seeing them kill and be killed in lamely absurd ways? Yes. And odder still, was that from time to time, I’d find myself appreciating a shot–there are hints at great cinematography within this terrible filmmaking.
The wide shots, especially, highlight a sense of artistic ability–strange to find that here.
FUCK
- Despite having more bush than the royal gardens at Versailles, no one really does the nasty in this one. Oh sure, there’s the spanking, and showering, and heavy petting, and what looks to arguably be an erection caught on screen, but the only who’s implied to get lucky is our lone surviving nerd and his bat-out-of-hell-punk-chick, Spider [the second best actor in this thing, Linnea Quigley].
MARRY
- “Sorority Babes” should have made it quite clear that no marriages would be present in this film.
KILL
- Most of our nerds and babes bite the big one. Supposedly this is horror, but it’s so campy by modern standards [by any standards, actually] that it’s beyond laughable; by and large the deaths aren’t even shown on camera; there are jump cuts and the like to allow them to avoid having to use costly effects sequences. Yes, the producers were that cheap. They handle a girl being pulled in two by having each “part” of her body protruding from behind a rather large column.
UBER DIALOG
- Fake Revenge of the Nerds Nerd talking to the Fat Nerd: “Yeah I’ve seen her, a real canine cutie.” “What does that mean?” “Hey, at least I don’t pick up my girls from the dog pound.” I DIDN’T bust a gut laughing at that line.
- Two sorority initiates discussing the cruel and unusual initiation rites they need to undergo: “I think it’s institutionalized sadism.” They both crack up laughing as institutionalized sadism is always fucking hilarious.
- “Well, what about that punk dyke.” The 80s were a tolerant time period.
- “Wake up you old fuck!”
- “That is really the most stupid damn story I’ve ever heard.” It’s as if the film were being introspective!
Published: Aug 18, 2017 12:30 pm