Why Ekans is the best Pokemon

Obviously

_{[Published in 2010, this classic Destructoid moment from Jim delivers the facts you need today.  – Niero]}

There are almost 500 Pokémon in the world, and that’s a lot. With so many unique and varied pocket monsters out there, it can be hard to separate the wheat from the chaff and determine which creatures are the best. Of course, if you’re smart and hip with the kids like I am, then you already know the answer. In fact, the answer was in the very first Pokémon games ever made. 

Obviously, Ekans is the best Pokémon. 

Ekans is absolute. I cannot stop thinking about Ekans. Some of you might think that this is a ridiculous forced meme that is being beaten into the ground, but it’s more than that. I believe in Ekans, and I want you to believe as well. If you do not agree that Ekans is the best Pokémon, I will prove it to you, right here and right now. I need you to understand what I am saying here. 

Ekans.

Ekans is Snake backwards:

Ekans blows your mind every time you hear its name. Did you know that Ekans is Snake backwards? Of course you didn’t, but once you discover it, it’s like cracking the Da Vinci Code. In fact, I’m fairly certain that Ekans is part of some secret Holy conspiracy. It’s just that great. Ekans is a puzzle within a conundrum within another puzzle, its name a portal into another world. How many other Pokemon have a name that shares genetic similarities with a Pink Floyd album? If that last sentence didn’t make sense, you’re not thinking about it hard enough. Or thinking about it too hard. 

The very word Ekans is a restructuring of the way we view the world. You won’t perceive reality in the same way once you come to accept the truth that Ekans is Snake backwards. In fact, some never come out of the other side intact, as the weak-minded become insane once they comprehend the secret behind Ekans’ name. In Vietnam, soldiers would torture prisoners of war by spelling Ekans’ name backwards, giving their enemies a glimpse of something so inconceivable that it shatters their frail psyches. 

Ekans is Snake backwards? Who knew? How long was this happening, right under our very noses, before we stumbled blindly upon the truth like newborn babes attempting to understand the empty vastness of the universe? I am still on medication since first working out that Ekans is Snake backwards. I may never recover. 

And that is amazing. 

Ekans is purple:

Purple is the best color, and is it a coincidence that Ekans is purple? Evidently not! Ekans is the color of win, and his coloring puts him in the same league as many other wonderful things that are also purple. For instance, Prince, the man who invented funk, is famous for the color. The Purple Heart, that medal they give to old people for some reason, the rock band Deep Purple, and of course, Grimace from McDonalds, all share the trait, and are all brilliant things. 

It is a good color, and it goes really well with yellow, which Ekans also has. Very few Pokémon have such wonderful color co-ordination, which distinguishes Ekans as a most excellent and stylish Pokémon that looks good no matter what the occasion. 

Jessie from Team Rocket has an Ekans:

Jessie from Team Rocket uses an Ekans, which is proof positive that it is the best Pokémon since I want to have sex with Jessie from Team Rocket. She has massive norks sticking out the front of her and wears really short skirts even when it’s cold which means she knows she is sexy and is showing off because she is a minx. There are these sites you can go to where you can see Jessie with her wobblers out and sometimes she is getting one right up her. I don’t like the ones where she is having sex with Meowth but if you squint a bit you can pretend Meowth is not there and still manage to knock one out. 

There is one where Ekans is sticking its tail up her and that is very sexy and not weird at all even though I definitely didn’t touch myself while looking at it. The very fact that Ekans could be used as a makeshift dildo like that in the first place is yet more evidence of the Pokémon’s brilliant versatility. It’s not only a cool pocket monster, it’s an indispensable household tool as well!

Ekans is a Poison Pokemon:

Poison Pokémon are the best ones. Koffing, Muk, Seviper, the list of top-notch poisoners are too numerous to name. They are considered one of the superior defensive Pokémon types in the game because of their type resistances and ability to inflict status ailments. Put short, a Poison Pokémon will fuck up your day and they’ll be more than justified in doing so. 

Ekans is a proud member of this noble type, making it a required addition to any Pokémon trainer serious about his work. I can’t imagine there are any Poison Pokémon better than Ekans, since Poison Pokémon are among the best, this basically means that Ekans is the strongest Pokémon in the entire game. I have reached this conclusion using logic, and if you try to argue with me on it, you’ll look like an idiot. Just ask any journalist that’s tried to make me look bad and undermine my opinions. They’ll tell you what that did for their careers. 

So, don’t try to argue me on this. Ekans is a Legendary Pokémon and that’s the end of that. 

This picture:

Ekans evolves into Arbok:

Arbok is an absolutely fantastic Pokémon. It’s a giant purple cobra and doesn’t afraid of anything. It also shouts “CHARBOK” in the cartoon in a really funny voice and that makes me laugh incredibly loudly whenever I think about, even if I’m at a funeral which really upset my Aunt Gladys. My stupid Aunt didn’t understand it when I explained that I was thinking of Arbok though, which is probably why her husband killed himself in the first place!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. If Arbok is so great, and Ekans is great because it can turn into one, why isn’t this article about Arbok instead, and why am I so hung up on Ekans when clearly Arbok is sounding like the better deal? That’s very simple. Ekans is great because it allows you to become Arbok. Arbok isn’t Arbok on its own. It needs an Ekans. Meanwhile, an Ekans does not need anything. It is just Ekans. 

If that’s not a good enough explanation for you, then it is because of good reasons. That is why Ekans is so great. 

Ekans has the best fan site in the world:

I am clearly not alone in my assessment of Ekans. Just check out this amazing fan site, full of facts and trivia about everybody’s favorite Pokemon. You get to learn fun facts, like Ekans being 2 meters long and weigh 6.9 kilograms. All the cool kids hang out there, because Ekans is the best Pokémon. Obviously. 

Ekans eats Pidgeys:

Really, who likes Pidgey? Stupid, bland, weak, worthless bird Pokémon that gets in your way on all the early routes in the games and never buggers off. Pidgeys are a waste of space, and they fact they bother Pokémon trainers so much is evidence that the population needs trimming down. Ekans does us all a favor by eating this rubbish bird Pokémon and keeping them out of our hair. If anything, Ekans deserves a medal for what it does, but it would not accept such an honor because it is humble and honorable. 

Stupid Pidgey eggs get owned by Ekans on a daily basis, which is more than can be said of any other animal. Pidgey is a shit name, as well. It’s Yegdip backwards. What the Hell does Yegdip even mean? Just what the Hell was Nintendo even thinking with that? It sounds a bit like egg dip but even if it was egg dip I don’t think egg dip is a real thing! I hope Ekans eats every Egg Dip in the world. 

Stupid Egg Dips. 

Ekans:

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Ekans.

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