There’s no way that Gambit sex comedy is happening, so I wrote it

More like the Sex-Men, am I right?

It was recently announced that the Channing Tatum Gambit movie was going to be a romantic sex comedy. This is an inherently ridiculous idea that I’d love see coming to screen, but we all need to stop fooling ourselves right now: The Gambit movie is never happening. It just isn’t. We’ve been through this enough times to know by now. Channing Tatum is lying to you. It isn’t going to happen. And even if somehow against all odds it does happen, under Disney’s control it isn’t going to be the sex comedy we deserve.

Now that the idea is out there, though, someone needs to write it down, to bring it to life. As a person who liked Gambit on the X-Men cartoon and then saw the first three X-Men movies, I feel there’s no one on earth more qualified to write this movie than me. I’ve constructed it below. You’re welcome.

Gambit of Love

Tagline: He’s explosive. She’s removed. But love is one gambit they’ll both bet on.

Gambit walks the Louisianan streets looking for crimes to bust when he stumbles upon the perfect opportunity.

Gambit learns that Daphne Dubuisson is vacationing in New Orleans after a bad breakup. She needs to disappear into the bustle of the city but misses the quiet Kansas barn where she spent beautiful long summers and made her most cherished memories. Gambit barely listens, but his mystery intrigues her.

That is until a possible rival appears during a hot Mardi Gras night.

After that, Gambit’s dignity is wounded, and Daphne sees a more sensitive side to the crime fighter. She takes him to her hotel room to explore even more of the man. And when he drops his jeans she’s in for a somewhat small surprise.

More wounded than ever, Gambit tumbles into the streets in an impotent fury. He finds Wolverine, and as they drink and reminisce Gambit comes to believe the two are bonding despite their differences, but it’s not so! Wolverine only plies Gambit with drinks and sets him loose inside a strip club, before heading to Daphne’s hotel and letting her know what he’s up to.

Daphne flees for home, heartbroken by the Creole cruelty dealt to her, and as Gambit realizes his mistakes he knows the one place she’s sure to return to–her old family barn.

And so there you have it. It might not be perfect. It might not have enough dick jokes, but at least it exists. That’s more than you can say about any proposed Gambit movie that has ever or will ever be announced. Never trust anyone who ever says the words “Gambit movie.” Gambit died entombed in the sinking ship that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and he’s never coming back.