The ten best videogame weddings EVER!

The royal wedding was earlier this morning! And I had no idea! Yay!

To be honest, there had been so much coverage about this supposedly major event that I kept thinking the royal wedding had already happened weeks ago! I swear, when I was running on the treadmill the other day I could have sworn I saw Jillian Barberie going on and on about how beautiful Kate looked in her wedding dress.

Regardless, any major event/holiday/driver’s license renewal is excuse enough for me to put together a ridiculously pointless list. So … yay! It is a time for celebration!

Instead of watching a beautiful, rich girl marry a beautiful, rich boy and eventually be the focus of some Oscar-winning movie in a few decades, join me as we celebrate the ten best videogame weddings EVER! And, outside of your own, videogame weddings are the most important weddings anyway, right?

Now, I am not here to cause a rift between the future King and Queen — I am sure William and Kate are going to be very happy together. But, Kate, if you are reading this, I have to ask: Should you maybe have set your sights a little higher?

Cecil, the main character from masterpiece Final Fantasy IV, is a Paladin. Is William a Paladin? Did William overcome darkness by literally climbing a mountain and defeating the evil version of himself? Did he travel into a dangerous desert cave and rip a jewel out of a subterranean beast’s belly to save you from a terminal illness?

Oh, he did? Wow. More power to you kids, then.

Being a huge fan of classic Sierra adventure game King’s Quest VI (as well as all the games in the wonderful series!), I have a special place in my heart for the wedding between Alexander (member of the royal family of Daventry) and Cassima (future Queen of the Land of the Green Isles).

Although, if I am being honest here, I think the two of them moved just a little fast. Yeah, I get it. Girl gets locked in a tower. Boy, who had previously been locked in a tower in King’s Quest III, meets locked-up girl and instantly falls in love. (Bonding over Stockholm syndrome is known to bring people together.)

But to meet, fall in love, and get married all in the course of one game? That’s a little fast. Get to know each other first! There are plenty of “lands” in the Land of the Green Isles. I am sure one of them has a nice bed and breakfast.

I do feel a little guilty putting this wedding on the list since Bowser kind of kidnapped and forced Peach to marry him at the very start of Super Paper Mario.

But LOOK HOW CUTE BOWSER LOOKS IN HIS TUX!

After playing Rod Humble’s interactive art piece The Marriage I was completely moved by the beautiful and touching wedding between the blue square and the pink square. The symbolism of each colorful shape and the way it reflects the transparency and dependency of a long-term relationship almost brought me to tears.

Actually, wait. Did the blue and pink squares get married? Maybe it was the grey circle and the square? Or was it the green circle?

Okay, fine, you got me: I have no idea what happened when I played that game. I thought it was a screen saver.

Yes, a real-life man named Sal9000 actually married a videogame character named Nene Anegasaki from Nintendo DS game Love Plus.

Yup, it really happened.

But we don’t have time to talk about things like this. I have a wedding to Dr. Yang I have to plan. 

One of my favorite parts about the Metal Gear Solid games (other than the fact that they are awesome!) is their baffling (yet surprisingly effective) transitions from hardcore action scene to pumped-up melodrama.

A perfect example of this is at the end of Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots for the PlayStation 3. After a climactic battle that is one part exhausting and all other parts badass, the game ends with an out-of-nowhere wedding on a massive runway between fan-favorite Meryl and her true love Johnny.

And somehow it works. I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, it really works. 

At one point in Final Fantasy IX, main character Zidane and his party have to pass through a village of dwarves to reach a place called the Sanctuary. (If I had a nickel … )

In order to get there, though, two members of the party must get married.

It is a cute twist that ends with Zidane and Garnet tying the knot to receive access to the Sanctuary.

With a clever selection of options, though, players can actually get the cute black mage Vivi and assumed cunilingus-master Quina to also marry. Expectedly, their wedding is adorable. And, Quivi, Gaia’s hottest power couple, is born.

I have a friend who was at a wedding once where a bridesmaid got so drunk she fell face first into the wedding cake, breaking the table on her way down.

The story has reached legendary status among my close friends.

I don’t know which is worse: That bridesmaid’s tragic incident … or the tale of Guybrush Threepwood, a man who interrupted the wedding of his beloved Elaine to ghost pirate LeChuck, only to find out that ruining the wedding actually prevented Elaine from unleashing her plan to kill LeChuck — a plan that would have rid the world of all evil.

Eh … I’m still sticking with the bridesmaid.

I have never played the Harvest Moon games — which is a shame, because I think I would really like them. Being able to work on a farm, harvest crops, raise cute animals, and marry someone you fall in love with sounds like the perfect videogame life!

But, as I was researching what goes into getting married and having a lovely wedding in the game, I was surprised by how much work it all is!

“You must expand your house at least once in order to get a matrimonial bed.”

“After marriage, the player’s activities are severely curtailed: he is expected to come home by a specified time.”

“When the player has both house upgrades, is married to his wife for 20 days and his wife has high enough affection towards him, she will get pregnant later giving birth in the farmhouse.”

Yikes! I am tired just typing it all!

In most games, when villains are defeated, they are usually destroyed or banished from the game, never to be heard from again.

At the end of Super Mario RPG, however, villains Booster and Valentina decide to look past their unsuccessful attempts at defeating Mario and move on to better things. During the classic game’s ending, both quirky villains are seen getting married in the Marrymore chapel.

While I don’t see the attraction (Valentina has a dead bird on her head, for crying out loud), it is still very sweet … until Booster gets cold feet and cruelly leaves Valentina at the alter.

Dag, Booster.

Dag.

 

What do you think? Did you watch the royal wedding? Did the guests have to travel through a wardrobe to get to the strange world fairytale weddings like that only take place in? Can you think of any other memorable videogame weddings (Dragon Quest V and Final Fantasy X come to mind as suitable runners-up)?

Order the chicken or salmon and celebrate in the comments!

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