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Something about sex. What a great topic we have been encouraged to write about this month. It is one of the most wonderful things this world has to offer. Whether you have sixty fetishes or are an introvert nun, there’s one thing none of us can deny. Every single person that ever contributed to this site or any other cause in the whole wide world is the direct result of sex. Without it no new life would be born and the world would die out.
It’s as simple as that. Since we humans are a strange species though, we have always felt the need to draw a line. A border that tells us which types of sexual behaviour are acceptable and which are not.
Today, I am going to draw such a line through videogame culture as I tell you which gaming characters I believe should get down and smother their bedrooms in bodily fluids, and which ones should keep their genitals as far away from each other as humanly possible. Enjoy!
Should have sex
Samus & Master Chief
One look and it’s obvious that these two are made for each other. One is male, the other female and both have a set of sweetass futuristic metal plating that they should obviously be wearing in full while performing the deed.
Next time you complain about over-passionate neighbours that keep you awake all night with their moaning, take a step back and think. You are damn lucky you are not living next to these two as they’ll treat you to a symphony of clunky metal for hours on end and probably a few gunshots to boost when they reach their climax.
Cammy & Chun-li
Do I still need to explain myself here? Every time you hold your joystick, these two gettin’ it on is exactly what’s racing through your brain! Just admit it! There’s no shame in this month’s musing topic.
Okay, let’s assume this is not what you are thinking about during your most intimate moments. There are two possible explanations. Either you are a straight female or you are a gay male. In both cases you are an despicable human being. Why is that? Because you are undoubtedly fantasising about Zangief and Vega instead! The poor Spaniard doesn’t stand a chance. š
Mega Man & Splash Woman
Now here’s a couple of characters that I’d love to see getting busy and don’t you be telling me they can’t because they’re machines! All we have to do is wait for Wily to build Stud Man or Man Man. The blue bomber will blow both of them to pieces and obtain every ability he needs.
I can see the scene unfolding before me. Splash Woman is sitting there on the cliffs, singing her beautiful song that has Mega, the sailor man wreck his boat. In one fell swoop of Rush Coil, Mega Man is up on the rocks thrusting his manly pelvis at the charming 8-bit mermaid.
Now comes the real reason why I want to see these two together. Mermaids have always been an object of lust but their lower body’s a freaking fish! I don’t know about you but the thought of shoving my rooster in a package of unprocessed sushi doesn’t exactly get my rocks off. I really want to see if Mega Man would jump her and we’d have a fair share of man on fish action, or if Splash Woman is going to ask him to wait until she lays her eggs and then have him fertilise them.
Sub-Zero & Frost
At first I was planning to classify these two under the shouldn’t have sex part. I mean, how could these two even go at it? Sex is supposed to be hot and sweaty passion. From the moment these two kiss, I imagine they would have a tougher fight and any outworldish tournament just to get their frozen tongues loose again. If they’re not turned off by that yet, imagine them going all the way. Even before Subby could finish his first thrust, the two would already be encased in a giant ice cube and probably break the bed under the weight.
Since I’ve got all these reasons why they shouldn’t do it, how come they are in my section of couples that should fuck their brains out? That is because of what happens if Sub-Zero, inbetween all the freezing and thawing action, does manage to deliver his payload somehow. Nine months later we’d witness the birth of an ice shooting baby and that, my friends, would be pretty fucking awesome!
Cloud & Sephiroth
And for our final sexy couple tonight, we have Cloud Strife and fangirl favourite Sephiroth. I know what you’re thinking here: “Wait a minute, aren’t these two arch enemies out to destroy each other?” Yes, you are right but the real point here is why they are out to destroy each other. Obviously we are dealing with two very confused men that haven’t managed to come to terms with their own sexuality yet. I mean let’s be reasonable here. Cloud has had loads of chances to get it on with both Aeris and Tifa but has he tried it even once? No, of course not! That’s not the way he swings! Just look at his in-your-face purple outfit.
Sephiroth isn’t much better. He’s got legion upon legion of real-life fangirls, none of which seem to tickle his fancy. Heck, he murdered one of the game’s primary characters just because she couldn’t help him get it up. Seriously, the planet would have been so much better off if Cloud and Sephiroth just stopped waving their giant swords, which are obvious representations of something else, and relieve their frustrations with some hot steamy sex.
Shouldn’t have sex
Mario & Peach
Ever wondered where that old geezer, Toadsworth ever came from? No? Well, I’m going to tell you where he came from anyway. He’s princess Peach’ psychiatrist. No wonder she needs one too. She’s got an oversized fire breathing turtle with a spiked shell stalking her. The evil bastard is bold enough to kidnap her time and time again. Again I know what you’re thinking: “Princesses get kidnapped all the time. It’s a simple side-effect of royalty that Peach will have to deal with like any other princess.” You’re absolutely right but in this case, you’re missing the point. Indeed getting kidnapped is a vital part of being a royal daughter but haven’t most princesses got a handsome prince charming to smite their evil captor? Yes, they do. Does Peach have one? No she doesn’t! She’s stuck with a fat Italian plumber with a moustache that’s stupid enough the storm the wrong castle seven freaking times in a row! If she’s got even one tiny shred of royal dignity left in her, she’ll keep that shroom muncher out of her bedroom.
Gordon Freeman & The Gravity Gun
Gordon Freeman. The hero of Black Mesa and the one free man in City 17. Let’s take a look at his life. He’s a Ph.D graduate in theoretical physics. His childhood heroes were Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Richard Feynman. He’s wearing geeky glasses and most of all, he’s completely mute. Obviously this guy was easy pickings for high school bullies. His muteness is a direct result of emotional trauma and his fighting prowess comes from the tough body he built by taking beatings all the time. This guy’s self confidence was completely down the drain and gone with it was his chance to ever get a girlfriend.
Then the Black Mesa incident occurs. Freeman fights his way through aliens and bests even the army itself. Little Gordon has gone from being a fragile nerd to a man among men. Just when he prepares to hit the streets, flaunting his muscles as the ladies melt away in awe, the G-man shows up and traps him in stasis for decades to come. Without a doubt, this physicist is an otherworldly master of masturbation by now. Through his eyes, that gravity gun’s pulling power must have meant something entirely different than simple picking up and throwing action. Don’t do it, Mr. Freeman! The few seconds of ungodly pleasure you might receive would be nothing compared to the terrible horrors of self castration that are very likely to follow.
George & Lizzy
Well, we’ve got a couple of reasons here. At first I thought these two would actually make a great little nest of love. I could so imagine them going at it on top of a skyscraper while debris and screaming citizens fall out the windows with every consecutive rhythmic bang. I mostly worry about Lizzy though. It’s obviously a female name and when she runs out of health, she shrinks down to what seems like an attractive blond woman. Then on the other hand if you kick her in the groin, she’s in just as much agonising pain as George and Ralph. Could she be a hermaphrodite? I’m not saying hermaphrodites shouldn’t have the right to fool around as much as the rest of us though. I guess it doesn’t matter much but I still think that George shouldn’t sink Lizzy with his pink torpedo. They’d most probably eat their children anyway! Or does Lizzy lay eggs? I mean she does look like a dinosaur, doesn’t she? Meh, screw it.
Link & an octorock
The Legend of Zelda. It’s a true milestone in videogaming history. It was the first game on Nintendo’s shortly lived Disk System and later in cartridge form, the first one to ever come with a battery save. This allowed for a truly epic game that was nearly impossible to finish in one sitting. How did that translate for our hero, Link? I’ll tell you how it translated! It translated in a hell of a lot more waiting time until he could finally get busy with his beautiful princess. Link, I know that after all those lonely nights and perhaps one red potion too many, those defenceless little octorocks can start looking more attractive than they should but let me assure you, unlike Mario, you have everything it takes to be a real knight in shining armor. Rest assured because after Zelda has seen you destroy Ganon with a silver arrow to the heart, she’s not even going to ask you to be gentle any more. Just … don’t touch the octorocks until then.
Chaos & Everyone
If you’ve played Primal Rage, chances are you’ve encountered Chaos and are disgusted. This humongous gorilla puts decent necktie wearing gentleapes like Donkey Kong to shame. He scratches his ass, vomits on his opponents and farts in their general direction. The real horror starts when the battle is over though. Just like Mortal Kombat and many other violent fighters of its time, Primal Rage gives the winner a chance to brutally mutilate his prey. Chaos had three ways of doing this. One isn’t really any more than a simple joke, the second one is … are you ready for this? He pukes and then eats his own vomit! Yuch! Finally we have one more that actually caused the game to be pulled from the market until a censored version was released. It’s called the golden shower. I’ll just leave it at that. To be honest, I don’t have that much of a problem with Chaos finding a mate but … I sure as hell don’t want to be there to see it!
There you have it folks. Thank you for reading and have a very safe and productive night.
This promoted blog was written for our March Monthly Musing assignment, “Write something about sex.” You too could get promoted if you write something about sex in videogames over on the Community Blogs.
Published: Mar 7, 2010 03:00 pm