Review: The Mummy

Don’t universes get started with a bang?

Everybody wants a superhero movie universe now. Thanks to Marvel’s insane success at stringing together a cinematic comic universe, every movie studio out there wants a piece of the pie. You can’t really blame them. Cinematic universes put consistent butts in seats, and there is nothing studios like more than consistent butts in seats. The problem is that these universes rely on established comic book IP to draw in the initial crowd, and there are only so many of those to go around.

Enter Universal’s Dark Universe, of which The Mummy is the first entry (Dracula Untold totally doesn’t count anymore). Here we have a studio trying to make a superhero universe out of what they’ve got: classic movie monsters. All our favorite movie monsters are about to become action heroes played by very famous movie stars. The question is, does anyone really want that to happen? If The Mummy is a sign of things to come, then no, no we do not.

The Mummy
Director: Alex Kurtzman
Release Date: June 9, 2017
Rated: PG-13

The Mummy has very little to do with the classic horror film from 1932 because that is a classic. Nor does it have much to do with the Brendan Fraser led (words I’ll probably never type again) The Mummy from 1999 because that was fun. Nor does it really have anything to do with any mummy that you’re thinking about unless you’re thinking about a mostly naked Sofia Boutella with some rotting skin.

We find Boutella, playing the ancient and evil Princess Ahmanet, being buried alive because she’s evil. Flash forward to modern day and tomb raider Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) and his pal Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) discover her tomb after calling in an air strike because they’re also in the army. From there the movie makes a lot of illogical leaps that basically lead Nick to become the chosen one, which means the evil god Set will inhabit his body after a ceremony is performed by Ahmanet wherein she stabs him. Add in Dr. Henry Jekyll (Russell Crowe) to say a lot of exposition and hint at the bigger Dark Universe as a whole, and a love interest for Nick (Annabelle Wallis), and you’ve got yourself… nearly nothing.

That is basically what The Mummy amounts to. By the time the film is nearing its ending it literally feels like it hasn’t even started. You would think that issue would stem from the fact that they’ve shoved too much universe building into the film, but it is actually the opposite. The movie never seems to be able to establish any universe at all. We’re supposed to care about Nick and his love interest, but she’s such a ’90s action movie MacGuffin that I’ve completely forgotten her name. We never get a true feeling for what Nick is going through, and Ahmanet’s powers are so wishy washy and illogical that it creates plot holes that are hard to ignore. It’s a superhero origin story where the superhero never shows up. 

I will give credit where its due. I’m excited to see more of Russel Crowe’s Jekyll/Hyde. The actor actually imbues his exposition with a bit of panache, and Jekyll’s brief appearance is the most fun the movie has. In fact, aside from that, the movie is just bland. Universal wants to establish a “dark” universe, but there’s nothing dark about this movie at all except for its insistence to mute every color in existence. It plays the same note throughout, feeling more like a dated action movie than a modern blockbuster. The DC Extended Universe may have its issues, but at least it’s got a tone and feeling of its own. The Mummy can’t differentiate itself from the myriad of other action flicks released each year.

That may come from Alex Kurtzman’s directing. Why Universal would take the risk on a guy only known for producing is beyond me, but his first big-studio movie lacks any character at all. His action sequences are competent enough, but rely a bit too much on unremarkable CGI, and he routinely wastes the charms of Tom Cruise, who wavers back and forth on whether he’s really committed to playing the role. In fairness, if I saw the way the movie was unfolding, I’d probably stop caring too. Finally, Kurtzman just can’t keep the pace. The film lulls and then picks up randomly and then lulls again. Part of that probably comes from the screenplay-by-committee (six credited writers) production, but Kurtzman could have made it flow better.

The sad fact is that The Mummy isn’t truly terrible. It isn’t really anything. There’s some decent action sequences with some clever gimmicks sprinkled in. There’s a plot that’s illogical, but passable, and actors who, under the right circumstances, could make something interesting happen. But nothing interesting does happen. The Mummy is two hours of nothing, and at this moment that means the entirety of the Dark Universe is two hours of nothing. Universal better pray for a big bang soon or it’ll keep on being nothing, and none of their stars will shine.