NINTENDO CHARACTERS SUCK BECAUSE MASTER CHIEF CAN BEAT THEM ALL UP

_{[Editor’s Note: We’re not just a (rad) news site — we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]}

Fact.

That’s right, you heard it here first. But now you want proof. Well luckily for you, your pal Nebones is here to help. Using my awesome magic powers, and super videogame skills, I took Master Chief out of the Xbox 360, and threw him into a game of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Now all you need to do is believe what you see.

Master Chief vs Mario.

You’d think if anyone stood a chance against the Chief, it’d be Mario. But no one stands a chance against the Chief. Mario knew he had to jump on the Chiefs head to save his friends, bu he did not anticipate his enemy having an Assault Riffle, and after being continuous shoot in the chest,Mario lay in a bloody heap, gasping for air.

Master Chief vs Pikichu

After seeing his team leader being brutally murdered, Pikachu sprang into action. Elictricity filled the sky around the small, ellow rodent. But as common science would tell you, elictircity is no match for gravity, and Pikuchu was soon seeing stars…stars of death.

Master Chief vs Samus

Arguably the Chief’s biggest challenge, an experienced Bounty Hunter with a lot of combat expierance and a dangerous weapon. But of course, The Chief knew this, and before the woman in a man’s world had a chance to attack, The Chief was on a Ledge with a Sniper Rifle. The world went black for Samus Aran.

Master Chief vs Yoshi

Yoshi is a Dinosaur. Dinosaurs are kind of like Dragons. Dragons are killed by swords. The Chief had a sword. The Chief used the sword. The Chief killed the dragon, the dragon was a dinosaur, the dinosaur was Yoshi. Yoshi has no head.

Master Chief vs Link

Sword and Shield are no match for pink needles. The battle was quick and furious. Link lunged at the Chief, landing a solid blow to his chest. Unfortunately for Link, his puny sword was useless againist the Chief’s brilliant armour, and a few quick needles to the head was a quick and painless death for the noble Elf.

Master Chief vs Fox McCloud

It’s a well know fact that the Chief hates animals that do human things. As soon as the Chief saw the Fox, he was already dead. McCloud soon learnt that running as quick as you can at some one with a rocket launcher, was not a good idea. The rest of the Star Fox crew are still searching fot McCloud’s body parts.

Master Chief vs Kirby]

The last remaining Nintendo character, Kirby knew he had to avenge his fallen comrades. he lept into the air and opened his mouth. He knew he had to suck the Chief. He closed his eyes and sucked as hard as he could. Suddenly, there was a long shaft in his mouth. He opened his eyes to see the Chief standing there with a shoot gun lodged firmly in the Marshmallow’s mouth….BANG.

And there you have it, undeniable proof that Master Chief is supior to all thing Nintendo. You may doubt my words, but you can not doubt your vision.

PS. MASTER CHIEF COULD NOT BEAT CAPTAIN FALCON SO HE DIED AND THE GAME WAS OVER.

---