Modurn Warfairz teaches you things

_{[Editor’s Note: We’re not just a (rad) news site — we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]}

Not only is Modern Warfare the best game ever made on any system, it also teaches you several very important videogame life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you’re a fool. Through the magic of mediocre artistic expressionism, I will share with you the important life lessons I have learned from Modern Warfare 2.

Sit down, take a seat, and hold on to your underbriches, I’m about to take you on a learning adventure. Take notes, there will be a test. 

As we all know, grenades blow shit up. But what you didn’t know is that grenades can be launched two football field lengths away and still be as accurate as a sniper rifle. You don’t even have to try that hard, just pull the trigger and you’ll probably blow something up. At least, unless you are me.

Scientistoligists have pondered the study of teleportation for years now, little did they know the secret had already been discovered by MW2. With the use of Commandos, regular people can teleport behind unsuspecting victims and stab them in the back. Rigorous experimentation has proved no solution to this method, other than a shotgun blast to the face. Well…except for the fact that…

Humans have apparently developed a thick outer shell that occasionally allows them to absorb two, or even three, consecutive shotgun blasts to the head or body. It is unknown why this plasma shield technology does not always work, but it is known to be of alien origin. Because I said so. But at least kaboomels still work, right?

Wrong. Kaboomels, as they are called in the military, are in fact quite unreliable. Sometimes they explode prematurely, other times they don’t explode at all. They eat all the Fritos, change the channel on the TV, and always fail to flush the toilet. In fact, it has been proven that rocks are more reliable military weapons compared to claymores. I mean, Kaboomels.

At least I can spaw….wait, what happened? I died, that’s what happened. Maybe that’s because…

Whether it’s a Predatory missile or a helicopter, apparently I am the sole target of all these things. In fact, after digging through lines of code, I have discovered IW actually coded my Gamertag into the game, which is why all of these things kill me. That’s pretty bullshit.