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Mass Effect metaporn: Strip clubs in the future will still be poorly lit

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Earnest Cavalli
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Published: Nov 9, 2007 01:53 am

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The above clip demonstrates Mass Effect’s stunning slutty-aliens-designed-to-pander-to-teens rendering system. Then again, maybe we’re being too cynical. After all, it would be unrealistic to think the future wouldn’t also have strip clubs, and that those strip clubs wouldn’t also still use that crappy blue and red stage lighting designed to hide trackmarks and facial twitches brought on by mainlining cocktails of Red Bull and cocaine.

Then again, as is our wont, I’m going to have to knock Mass Effect down a few pegs for assuming strippers would still be downing Red Bull and blow and gyrating in lackadaisical patterns that seem to repeat indefinitely. Sure, they’ll still be bleeding nasally, and Pour Some Sugar On Me will still be the only song the DJ owns, but by 2183 Red Bull GmbH will have released something different to a whole new generation of people still cursed with regular heart beats.

Our guess? Space Bull. Shortly after its unprecedented success they’ll also introduce Space Bull: The Lunchbox, Space Bull: The Coloring Book and Space Bull: The Flame Thrower.

[ProTip: If you’re ever completely tapped out, just steal from Mel Brooks. Everyone else has. — President Skroob] 

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Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.