Local Dragon’s Dogma 2 player swears he’s wearing it for the stats

My Dragon’s Dogma 2 adventure started with humble beginnings. A newly anointed Arisen, I’d fled danger and manifested my own Pawn, and was well on my way to forging my own legend in this dangerous land. Then, I got some pants that barely qualify as coverings.

I’m probably only a little over double-digit hours in Dragon’s Dogma 2, but my main character’s butt has become a constant. It is simply always there. I see them, bobbing up and down as I delve deep into a cavern. They wobble as I climb and hurdle over rocky terrain. They disappear, for a brief moment, when I pivot to strike an enemy with an arrow, only to reappear the moment I swing the camera back around.

For hours now, I have simply had my ass out. None of my Pawns seem to have taken notice, or maybe my main Pawn—a towering, presidential Warrior named Abraham—has simply elected to not throw stones in glass houses. (He is currently wearing a horned helmet and blasting bare chest, so we make quite the pair.)

These are the Ranger’s Tights. According to the item description, it’s “leg armor fashioned from supple fabric that stretches to accommodate the wearer and masks signs of wear and tear.” It’s quite simply some sparse undergarments and fairly high leggings, with enough space to blast some thigh for my Arisen’s adoring fans.

And for hours now, I have searched high and low, and simply not found a better piece of gear for my Archer character. Every time I pick up some pants with a bit more surface area, it’s somehow lesser; less durable, less resistant, less everything. None of the numbers light up blue, to signify their greater values. Somehow, leaving my pasty posterior exposed to the elements is more advantageous than covering it.

It’s not like games haven’t had armor that’s suspiciously more protective than its skin coverage would lead you to believe. And at the end of the day, I could probably swap it out and settle for the lower stats, if I really wanted to.

But the funniest part has been telling other people about my pants dilemma, and hearing the same thing. One Dragon’s Dogma 2 player I talked to over the weekend mentioned being embarrassed to have their Pawn wearing these pants; while they proffered better stats, the optics of their Pawn blasting booty in every Rift with their player name attached felt worrisome.

In truth, I’ve come to embrace the butt-pants. I decided to just make my Archer the gaudiest bowman in the land. He now wears a cape, so onlookers only get fleeting glances of his cheeks as he launches a high-velocity arrow down-range, the fabric lifting up as the torrential winds from his magicked arrow blow backwards. Also, he has a plumed hat. It really brings the whole look together.

Some day, I might discover pants with better stats, and finally don some attire more suited to adventuring. But I honestly enjoy the fact that my Dragon’s Dogma 2 journey thus far isn’t just a tale of felled griffons, secret villages, and ancient mysteries, but also my main character’s rump hanging in the wind.