Feel the Hatred: The Water Temple

[Editor’s note: jackal27 writes about how much he hates the Water Temple for his Monthly Musing. — CTZ]

As I tried to think of something to write about for this article, a good many things crossed my mind, possibly things that I’ll write articles about later on. However, the majority of the things I thought about were annoyances rather than things I hated. Things like friend codes, XBox Live, Zelda: Twilight Princess, every Final Fantasy game after 9, etc. Then, it hit me: The Water Temple.

There was only one problem with writing an article about this: trying to keep the swearing to a minimal. It’s a risk I’m willing to take! Let’s get at it! 

Where the hell do I begin!? Here I am, a 10-year-old boy who’s been experiencing what I considered to be the greatest adventure ever, The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time. There were so many secrets and wondrous things to discover that I literally thought that somehow the game had to be magical. This game could do no wrong. I had already been blown away by the big twist that Link gets locked away for seven years, scared to death by the Forest Temple and the dirty feeling that I got from having the life humped out of me by zombies. Then there was the fact that I had triumphed over a huge dragon in the middle of a volcano by smashing it’s head with a FREAKING HAMMER! What could possibly top it?

God … Oh God … I had no idea what I was in for. I conquered the small Ice Temple and received the Iron Boots. Then I was given a Blue Tunic, which I thought was so awesome at the time, and off I went to the Water Temple! What mysterious item could await me!? What deadly creatures would I face off against!? All these questions and more would soon be answered.

As I entered, my brother and I quickly realized what the gimmick would be for this dungeon: raise the water, lower the water, and then raise it again. Simple enough, right? WRONG. DEAD WRONG. It also quickly became apparent that we would be entering and exiting the menu a lot to change in and out of the Iron Boots. Not only that, but when the Iron boots were on, Link walked SO SLOW.

HURRY UP!

How about the damn Tektites that waited on top of the water for you to try and climb up to nearest ledge, only HEADBUTT YOUR ASS BACK INTO THE WATER!!

I SEE YOU OVER THERE DAMMIT!

Oh man, but maybe the item will still be cool! Maybe?

WRONG KID! All you get is a longer Hookshot!! MWUHAHAHA!!

UP YOURS!

Oh yeah, remember that annoying little tramp Ruto that you had to drag around all through Jabu Jabu’s belly? She’s here too! Oh, and by the way, she wants to have your children!

DEAR GOD.

Give me a freaking break. I can’t remember how long it took me to beat this place as a kid, but I remember my brother and I switched off constantly for days looking for just ONE switch and it turned out to be hidden underneath one of the platforms that floats up when the water rises. That would probably be fine if you could SEE IT FROM WHERE YOU’RE STANDING. But you can’t! They just expect you to say “Hmmm… I wonder if there’s a switch under this platform.”

FAIL.

Oh and the boss? Don’t even get me freaking started on the undulating tentacle of skeet that is Morpha.

BALLS.

The only cool part about this dungeon? The battle with Dark Link, and even that’s flawed! I mean come on guys, we all know Dark Link is cool and his entrance was totally creepy, but for a kid, he was nearly as hard as the dungeon itself. Also, if you die when you’re fighting him, he is BITCH to get back to.

STOP COUNTERING EVERYTHING!

You know what, I try to watch my language but FUCK THIS DUNGEON.

RIGHT IN THE EAR!

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