Neutral Gud
In today’s community tarot readings for summer streams, I’m going to make sure I get some PlayStation predictions out the door before the Sony presentation. If you missed the prior tarot predictions article, click here.
Let’s get right to it!
Cathedral asks: Has Half-Life 3 been confirmed?
Card drawn: Queen of Strength
The Queen of Strength has many great qualities. She speaks and leads with poise. She slays. She nails it. She gets things done.
Sadly, she is not married to The Gaben and if she was she’d demand Portal 3. And ask to give Steam Decks more discreet packaging to prevent porch piracy.
It would be a triumph.
YT asks: Will we ever hear anything about Silksong ever again? Ever?
Cards drawn: The Magician, The Fool, The Empress
Oh, thank Lolth, I don’t have look in the D&D Tarot Deck guide for this one. All upright cards, too. That’s usually good!
The Magician bursts into the court of The Empress, shouting, “It’s happening. A new adventure is manifesting!”
The court jester’s eyes widen and he asks “An adventure! For me? A chance for new beginnings?!”
“No, you Fool! This will be a new adventure for cute insects who are sad,” the Magician explains.
“But when will it happen?” the jester asks.
The Empress rises from her throne and says, “I am the reason it is happening. It will be done when it is done. Enjoy this trailer until then. I shall now return to my chamber and rest.”
The Fool turns to The Magician and asks, “WTF is a trailer?”
“Hell if I know,” he replies. “The ways of Empress Cherry are mysterious.”
Cockaroach asks: Will Sony announce a pc port for Bloodborne?
Cards drawn: Ten of Strength reversed, The Sun, Nine of Charisma
Adding PC releases to the mix has weighed on Sony, as the upended Ten of Strength implies. It seems like some good things are coming, though — like Returnal.
And praise The Sun, it looks like Demon’s Souls is in the cards! But a return to Yharnam?
The Nine of Charisma certainly screams “Yar!” But is that a confirmation or an invitation to loot and plunder? Hahaha… I have no idea what that last part implies.
Regardless, we all want Bloodborne on PC. Do it!
CelicaCrazed asks too many things: Will Sony revive Warhawk? Will Gamepass come to PlayStation or Switch? Will we get any new remasters from the Dreamcast?
Cards drawn: Page of Wisdom reversed (center), Ace of Intelligence reversed (left). Knight of Wisdom (right), Four of Wisdom (top), Six of Wisdom reversed (bottom)
A tarnished knight is bewildered at the other people hanging upside down before him, pondering why so many others have fallen and why he must live and die, time and time again, no matter how good he got.
Then he gazes up to see a gnome nestled high up in an erdtree, blissful and petting a fox. He has ascended, no longer concerned with matters like scarlet rot or faith builds.
He has all the knight could ever want — every Dreamcast game on the Switch and has Gamepass, too! And a new Warhawk game!
But the knight will remain alone below, only to toil. Forever maidenless…
He curses the gnome and then gets murdered by a Putrid Avatar.
Riffraff asks: When will I get more Pushmo?
Card drawn: Seven of Wisdom
The Seven of Wisdom is the monkey’s paw of upright cards. You think you’re reaching for the garden hose and it turns out to be a snake. That dwarf thinks he’s getting a blessing of immortality from a faerie, but they asked for his name and pronouns first.
The blessing was given and the fae is now known as Horst Alefender and gleefully added that to the list of names and pronouns he’s taken as his own. Has a few dozen “he/hims,” fifteen “they/thems” and forty-five “she/hers” — and that is before we get to the other, fancier ones Horst has collected.
Now, we must refer to the … oh right… as the Nameless and Pronounless One. Has gaps in memory along with the immortality, so tattoos are needed to keep track of things. Kinda like that Christopher Nolan flick with Guy Richie.
So do you really want more Pushmo? Do you want another mindscrew puzzle game? Have you seen how Baba is You breaks people?
Be careful what you wish for.
Zalno asks: Will Sony honor digital purchases for PS2 games like what they’re sort of doing for the PS1? Or failing that, will they port them to the PC and fuck off already?
Cards drawn: King of Charisma, The Devil, Four of Strength
The King of Charisma has his eyes locked with Ji… The Devil. The king will need our support. We must stand with him as he plays his Lute of Divine Justice.
If we believe in the king, he will see PAL versions of PS1 games banished to hell and replaced with NTSC versions. If we join him and face The Devil, PS2 purchases can eventually be honored.
It has to be like a JRPG spirit bomb, like when Cecil and his friends faced Zeromus. Or that time we killed everyone that made Nier Automata and Super Smash Bros.
You must look to the heavens and give the young empress a name to defeat The Nothing, Sebastián! You must trust your force and head to zee Garden of Madness! Try to remember the basics of CQC! Remember that love can bloom on the battlefield! Kingdom Hearts is Liiiiiight!
That sort of thing.
To be continued…
Published: Jun 5, 2022 02:00 pm