10 MTG cards with the most hilarious abilities

Magic: The Gathering is a challenging game, one that might accidentally make itself feel even less approachable by featuring some incredibly disturbing artwork in many of its cards. Still, over the years, the game has been home to various gat sets that feature not only great jokes but also some hilarious abilities that would completely turn the game on its head if they were ever to see competitive play. Let’s look at some of the funniest cards in the history of MTG, shall we?

Cheatyface

I hate cheaters – unless they make me laugh hard. Cheatyface is one of the best creatures in the game because he’s supposed to cost exactly zero mana because its main mechanic revolves around players trying to sneakily put him into play when your adversary isn’t paying attention.

From now on, whenever you look at your opponent’s side of the play area, and you see a Cheatyface, know that it’s on you. Stay vigilant!

Chaos Confetti

Chaos Orb, the artifact that Chaos Confetti riffs on, is already hilarious enough. We’re talking about an artifact that the owner will physically throw at the table to immediately destroy the cards that it comes in contact with. It’s a pretty wild ability, even for old MTG.

But Chaos Confetti is even funnier. You can only use it once because you need to destroy the card IRL. Why? Because you need to tear it into many pieces that you’ll then throw at your enemy’s cards to have what the shrapnel comes in contact with destroyed. Good thing it’s a common card.

Old Fogey

Poor Old Fogey isn’t a creature from 65 million years in the past. He coexists with the inhabitants of Dominaria in the game’s mainline story, but he’s just very, very old. Fogey is a T-Rex, so he comes with incredible strength and toughness, but his advanced age causes him to also come equipped with pretty much all drawbacks an MTG creature can have. Fogey has Phasing, an ability that makes him available to fight this turn but not in the next, which is beautifully analogous to an old person’s need to take a long big nap. That’d have been hilarious on its own, but, best of all is how he also comes equipped with “fading 3”, which means that his old life will inevitably end after three turns.

Throat Wolf

Throat Wolf is like the Ermac of MTG. This card began life as a hoax way back in ’94 when Internet trolls and fools began popularizing an overpowered card that totally existed but was just too rare for you to ever find.

Much later, Wizards actually ended up printing Throat Wolf, though as a joke, obviously. Throat Wolf is incredibly overpowered in combat, a creature that has “Firstest Strike,” an ability that can easily kill creatures with “first strike.” It’s so strong, in fact, that it even creates a never before – or since – second combat phase where only one creature of its owner’s choosing can attack.

Goblin Haberdasher

Cards that give creatures of a certain type extra abilities or stats aren’t rare. Cards that discriminate against creatures that don’t wear hats, however, are a completely different thing. Goblin Haberdasher somehow makes it so that your creatures that are seen wearing a hat get “Menace,” a very useful ability that forces players to assign at least two creatures to defend against an attacking hat-wearer if they want to avoid damage.

I have no idea why they went for “creatures wearing hats” specifically, but I’d like to believe that Wizards just wants to stir a fuss and get players to fight over whether or not soldier helmets count as hats.

Farewell to arms

Many cards in MTG joke sets are great when it comes to breaking the minds of your opponents. What makes Farewell to Arms one of the best cards in the history of the game is how it excels at breaking the opponent’s mouth, but also their body. Forcing your opponent to make sure one of his hands is behind their back the whole time to avoid discarding their play hand is a vile and beautiful move.

Staying Power

Though it might not look like much, Staying power is one of the most powerful cards in the history of the game. It breaks some of the most important rules of MTG, and its introduction in serious games would dramatically change 99% of MTG encounters. I’d really love to see a tournament where Staying power is on the table by default.

Staying Power feels less like an actual card and more like one of those glorious GTA cheats that turn the game upside down.

Infernal Spawn Of Evil

While I find the joke that a cutesy rat is actually an ultra-powerful monster a relic of cringe ’90s humor, I absolutely love the Infernal Spawn Of Evil’s ability. It’s a creature so powerful that it can deal damage to your opponent even before hitting play, all the while messing with their mind by saying the most ominous thing imaginable in every goddamn turn. MTG needs these kinds of mind games in its serious sets.

Pygmy Giant

Pygmy Giant sucks when it comes to attacking players, but it’s incredibly powerful when it comes to attacking other creatures – especially when you sacrifice it to that effect. It states that you can turn any number used in any creature’s text box into the damage that the Pygmy Giant will deal to another creature, and it just so happens to have the number “487” in its very own flavor text. How convenient.

I think it’s hilarious that the flavor text features the number 487, specifically, something high enough to destroy even the B.F.M, the most ridiculously strong creature in the history of joke cards, four times over.

Hurloon Wrangler

You thought denim was the coolest fabric you could wear in the ’90s? The old history books seem to agree with you, but not when it comes to MTG players.

Did you ever consider that the specific kind of pants you were wearing could prove a serious hindrance when playing a trading card game? Big mistake if you haven’t, as the Hurloon Wrangler cannot be blocked by creatures summoned by a player wearing any piece of clothing made of denim. Do you want to win badly enough that you’d take off your pants just to stop this 2/2 menace? That’s one of the most important questions asked by the Unglued set, I think.