Miniboss Monday: Dugog

Today’s long-overdue Miniboss Monday is brought to you lovingly by the letter “F.” The letter “F” can stand for many things, but today, we’ll focus primarily on one word in particular: frustration. Yes, frustration is something all gamers the world over are rather familiar with, but this is no normal boss we’re talking about here. This is downright digital blasphemy that defies all gaming conventon — this is Dugog, the first (and hardest) boss in Puzzle Quest.

Let that sink in for a moment. He is the first boss who is literally the hardest in the game. How many other games in recent memory follow this ass-backwards gaming model? None. Dugog is literally the reason most people give up on Puzzle Quest far sooner than they should. But why is this? Let’s take a closer look at our twin-headed nemesis.

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First, let’s look at what items the behemoth bastage is using to his advantage. There are three notable pieces: Dugog’s Club, Troll Ring, and his second head. The club has a 20% chance of doing massive damage, though for whatever reason it seems to be closer to 95% when he uses it. Next up is the Troll Ring. The ring heals Dugog for one point of health for every turn he takes (if his blue mana is over a certain amount, which it always is.) This might not seem like much, but as turns go by, you’ll be amazed to see how quickly Dugog can recoup any life he had lost in a handful of turns. Lastly, and most notably, is Dugog’s second head. This literally is the one thing that makes Dugog so incredibly tough. Now, you’d think a second head would make the lumbering lout smarter or give some sort of mana boost — Nope! It gives him another turn whenever he matches gold. For those of you out there who have even played Puzzle Quest for ten seconds, there is always gold scattered on the playfield which falls into place rather nicely. Sad for you, great for him.

So how do battles tend to play out with Dugog the first thousand times you clash? Let me summarize them in this easy-to-follow, all-inclusive list! (How exciting!)

• He will always go first – What? Your Cunning skill isn’t good enough yet? Too bad. His second head just gave him access to the skull-filled starting board to hammer on you nice and good.

• You won’t do anything productive once your turn finally comes around. – Sad to say it, but you’ll probably just match three purple stars. Good for you! At least you got three experience…

• He will go on a 75 “Extra Turn” rampage. – It kinda feels like the whole board is just made of gold and skulls at this point, doesn’t it? Take a nap, this might be a while.

• That annoying chick states the obvious. – “Your hero is near death!” Yeah, thanks for the update, Connie Chung. I think I figured that much out on my own.

• You will get lucky for a turn or two, and possibly do 5 damage. Maybe. – Great job! Only 120+ more hit points to go. Hope you’ve got a healing spell handy.

• Double Roar. ‘Nuff said. – Oh, I forgot to mention. Dugog’s got this wonderfully cheap skill that he can use that basically turns 75% of the board into skulls on a whim. I believe this is the end, my good friend.

• “You have suffered defeat.” – God, this annoying !@#$ again?! Why don’t YOU try fighting the two-headed, 20-foot tall ogre? Sheesh.

• Rinse and repeat until you finally quit Puzzle Quest for five months. – That pretty much sums it up.

Well there you have it. The batle with Dugog never plays out any differently than the way I have detailed it above.

What’s that? You say you actually beat him? Right. Sure you did. Just kidding, of course. Once you finally get lucky enough to fell the formidable foe, you are rewarded with Dugog’s Club. Now, I have no idea how this club can be held by both you and the giant that lay dead before you, but this is your treasure to keep. Personally, I would have rather claimed Dugog’s second head and sewn it to my back or something, but that’s just me.

Anyway, that about wraps things up for this week’s MBM. Feel free to leave mile-long rants about how much you hate Dugog in our comments. Misery loves company!