Ubisoft has a new property to reveal at E3

And a lot of other stuff, it seems

There’s a lot to unpack from this teaser trailer for Ubisoft’s E3 press conference. It’s full of “redactions,” sly winks toward the audience that they’ll have to wait the week and a half to learn what Ubisoft’s up to. Still, there are more takeaways than usual from this sort of thing.

Let’s “live blog” them even though I watched the trailer an hour ago and then got distracted by E3 scheduling:

• :03 — “Eve!” Yves is pronounced “Eve” but maybe with the slightest “yeeh” at the front. I am terrible at French and guessing how those words sound. Truly mind-blowing stuff for an idiot like me.
• :18 — I’m more into Ubisoft’s new swirl than I was yesterday. Maybe because it’s against a moving backdrop. Still, the “O” looks like screen-tearing to me and that’s never going to not bother me. BACK TO THE RAINBOW LOGO, PLEASE.
• :21 — “Footage removed, conference exclusive.” I don’t know what that means. New game? New trailer of an old game? Vivendi announces its takeover? Sky’s the limit here.
• :24 — “New IP saved for conference.” Ah, this is the big one. Ubisoft has a new property to announce. The same happened last year with Steep, which turned out okay. This is at the front of the sizzle reel, but something tells me it’ll be saved for the end of the conference.
• :29 — “Easter eggs deemed PR risk.” Ah, those South Park boys. Always so crude. Like the time last year when we were reminded that dads fuck moms.
• :31 — “Yves to announce during conference.” Probably a game reveal. Assassin’s Creed is a good bet since Ubisoft’s technically still silent about that one. Or a revamping of UPlay.
• :35 — “Feature shown at conference.” We’ll learn something new about Far Cry 5. That was probably to be expected. Something tells me this game’s going to get pushed heavily over the next eight months.
• :42 — “Conference exclusive.” The message is starting to pile up. Ubisoft wants you to know there’s a lot to expect from it’s 2017 presser.
• :47 — “Hosted by devs” with “but we love you still Aisha” in small font. Gutted. I unironically loved Aisha Tyler hosting Ubisoft’s press conferences. RIP #Girlwood, long live #Girlwood.
• :47 — I consider a full-fledged boycott of Ubisoft’s press conference until Aisha’s back.
• :47 — Nah.
• :51 — I am into Yves’ monitor.
• :54 — Yves types “Excited for E3! Check out this iconic teaser!” before backtracking and deleting “iconic.” Ubisoft’s self-aware! You can’t change the past, you can just make fun of it.

There it is, a live blog of a one-minute teaser trailer. Some would say that’s overkill and a bit unnecessary and I’d say that they’re right. But I’m just honing my skills for when me and the whole Destructoid crew break the announcements out of all the pressers at E3. Make sure your commenting is in tiptop shape. The snark sustains us.