We’ve got fun and games
The thrusters on my ship power down and the vessel lands with a hydraulic pew. I look at the planet’s information provided to me by my scanner. Life: Abundant. I pan the camera around to find the turquoise and fuschia terrain teeming with lush vegetation and strange organic creatures. I’m taken aback by the scenery. As the first settler of a long-forgotten planet, I know instantly what this place is. It’s home.
It’s Destructoid.
Future visitors to this planet will land to find the strangest collection of flora and fauna they could possibly imagine, life matched only by the strange names given by its first settler. They’re not my names, not machinations of my own feeble mind – they’re you. And this, fair reader, is my gift to you. For better or for worse, you’re immortalized in the servers of No Man’s Sky.
Before we begin our tour of Destructoid, I’d like to mention a few things: I chose names at random, pulled either from immediate memory or proximity to the home page (commenters to Quick Posts and blogs were easiest to find, since it required less sifting through occasional visitors – I wanted regulars to populate these vibrant plains). Thus, no favorites were shown in the naming process (although, a couple turned out wonderfully). Second, site writers, Mods, and blog rounders-up were used for outposts instead of the planet’s discoveries. As there are a limited amount of organic life and minerals to discover and name, I wanted to include as many as I could of the heart and soul of this place – the community. If you don’t see yourself on this list, feel free to comment below, and I will name a new outpost and send a screenshot in your honor (as I’m pretty sure I’ve discovered everything else on the planet after about ten hours of exploration). For those of you I missed (and I admit, it’s a lot) it was nothing personal. Even as I comprise this post random names come to mind that I didn’t include. Again, if you’re not here, please let me know and you’ll get your own outpost, added to the list in addendum. I love you all.
Welcome to Destructoid.
First up, we have a spider. Well, shit, this is not going well. This is a rock, not a spider. This rock, however, is one of the planet’s most abundant resources. That’s gotta count for something, right?
AdmiralAckbong is a strange crustacean-mantis hybrid. It travels in packs, and scurries off at the slightest provocation. It also emits a high-pitched scream in the presence of late-90s boy bands.
Amna Umen is a rare rock formation found near swamps and cave systems. It emits a pale yellow gas every hour, on the hour, as a dire warning to all who would dare eat at the planet’s various Chipotle locations. It’s life’s work is rewarding, but lonely.
AvtrSpirit is an aquatic reef structure known primarily for its engaging countenance and unmatched knowledge of 80s music. Its tendrils recoil at the smell of patchouli.
This semi-sentient fish, BarnacleBritches, swims in schools (but they’re all C students). When engaged by enemies, they emit an electric shock, which does little to its foes, but at least instills themselves with confidence.
“Stalking” is something of an understatement for CelicaCrazed. This is the best photo I could get without it trying to rip out locks of my hair to add to its shrine of me. I once caught it hiding in the trash bin outside my house smelling my used napkins. I gave it an old t-shirt that I was going to donate, and it seemed appeased. This will not be our final encounter.
I’ve asked Chist on several occasions what, exactly, it is. It cannot speak – it only screams to the tune of “Like a Virgin.” We have it categorized as “barely sentient,” but we sense it has ulterior motives.
While crouchingsquid may appear to be some variation of a sunflower, it’s actually an organic phonograph that converts light energy into bitchin’ tunes.
They say that when you die, you see a light, more beautiful and inviting than you could possibly imagine. Some believe that if they walk toward the light they’ll move on to the next realm. Indeed, this light is often mistaken for the hereafter, but it’s actually just Dango picking your pockets as you lie helpless on the ground.
Dangus Taargus is the organic form of those plastic expanding ball-things you find at doctors’ offices or aunts’ houses. On Destructoid, when aroused it expands to show its might; when spooked it shrinks to avoid detection. Oddly, it’s often aroused.
DanteKinkade is a common form of cactus. For whatever reason, it seems to attract male cats with its pheromones. What they do next can only be described by one word – “ouch.”
DeadMoon is actually a deadly parasite that latches on to the torso of an unsuspecting animal, replacing its original head, but keeping the creature’s thoughts and tendencies. This particular form of DeadMoon is making its way toward the scent of a strange plant…
Dr Mel is a strange geographic protrusion that occurs most abundantly around organic life. It is unclear as to why it is attracted to organic matter, but it is clear that it’s a fan of hentai.
The specimen you see before you is called a DreamWeaver. It is named as such for its ability to transmit thoughts into a target’s head to make it susceptible to his will, but only after the target has had enough wine coolers.
Ein on Shrooms gets nourishment from absorbing its nutrients through a process not too dissimilar to osmosis. I’d describe it here, but I’ll let you use your imagination as to which membrane it prefers for this transaction.
While certainly a rare sight, Elsa has its roots so planted into the very core of Destructoid that all inhabitants feel its rumblings when it finally does decide to make itself known. It is truly a sight to behold.
FlanxLycanth only grows during the temperate Spring season on Destructoid. It is then harvested mid-Summer and worn by the planet’s jesters at the Fall Harvest Carnival.
If any weary traveler is fortunate enough to stumble upon a Funkotrons Finest, they are rewarded with an increase to their vitality, and a positive new outlook on their day. Of course, they have to kill the plant to reap these benefits, but hey, so long as there are no witnesses, no harm no foul, right?
No, not the pillar. That’s not Fuzunga. It’s the rock behind it. That’s Fuzunga. For what it lacks in immediate exposure, it makes up in heart. I mean, look at it. It just sits there, confident and free. We could all learn a thing or two from Fuzunga.
Admire the androgynous GajKnight in all its confusing might. It’s got a paintbrush for a tail, four stubby legs, and a head that splits into two at the top. I’m not sure why this creature howls with pain, but I’ve got my suspicions.
GoofierBrute is one of the more difficult creatures to photograph on Destructoid. When approached, it hops away excitedly, its gooey, unformed base squelching with every thrust. And if the last eight words of the previous sentence don’t do anything for you, I’m afraid you’ll never truly understand GoofierBrute.
Gundy had a bad week. Usually, this unassuming flower is erect and proud, happy to spread its seeds of joy to passers-by so gay. But the flaccid form you see in front of you has seen better days; when asked for its beads of love, the flower was impotent to its task. Hold your head up high, Gundy, for your luck will soon reverse.
hlarge4 is a column of pure malice. As travelers approach, it hurls insults and offensive gases in hopes of discouraging further discovery. It’s only weakness? Shouting, “I know you are but what am I?” as you pass by, which renders this snarky stone useless.
homesoftheblues once had a promising career as a concert cellist, but after a freak swimming accident, now spends its days as a stamp. It takes pride in its work and maintains a successful track record.
At first glance, Hypno Coffin seems to be an unassuming circular rock formation, creating decorative rings on the planet’s surface. It is, in reality, a worm-like creature that must expose parts of its body to warm its blood. It burrows through the earth in rings to procedurally expose itself to the sun’s powerful rays. It also makes a joke about exposing itself when meeting few people. It’s almost always a big hit.
As a partially aquatic rock formation, iam16bit can be seen both from sea and land, making it one of the more distinct geographic features of the planet. Also, its strange tan and light blue coloring stands out on a planet which is almost entirely modelled after a Lisa Frank trapper keeper.
The dark-toned flower you see before you is ikiryou, a beautiful but toxic organic form native to this planet. It’s as deadly as it is ticklish, so plan your caress carefully, fellow travelers.
Inquisitive Ravenclaw is a mound of fertile soil that has pulled itself into a mound to collect photosynthetic energy more efficiently. The foliage on its top is not plantlife, but actually hair it has started to grow due to the high levels of energy. It enjoys long walks on the beach and reading.
This is what happens when a planet gets intimate with another planet, but doesn’t wear planetary protection. Isay Isay is treatable, but it will never truly go away.
You know, for a giant, shiny, black stalactite jak2364, sure did take me a lot of time to find again. Seriously, I wandered around for like three hours trying to find one after I had initially discovered and named it. It is used primarily as a bulletin board for cave communities.
While Jinx 01 appears to be growing from the ground, it is actually a meteor hurled at Destructoid at pinpoint-precision at a local rock formation, splintering it just like Robin Hood always does. Who hurled it, you may ask? Some mysteries are best left unsolved.
While it may appear that Jiraya has set itself apart from other life forms intentionally, the truth is that organic form emits a frequency so high-pitched that it eventually disintegrates neighboring forms. It is truly grateful for online dating.
JohnSmith123 is a strange life-form. Once a surface-dwelling creature, it was tragically bitten by a radioactive plastic bag, giving it the ability to float. It also always seems to have a hole in the place where your index finger is when you pick up after your dog. You don’t always get the best powers when bitten by radioactive things.
Kaleido Ruby is a stalagmite formation that usually bunches itself in pairs. It’s not cold or anything, it just always seems to be inside the personal bubble of others of its kind. It is also living proof that sometimes daddy gets too drunk and forgets to type out the entire name of something before hitting R2.
Khalid Eternal Nigh uses the lantern on the top of its stem to lure in unsuspecting prey. When they get close enough, Khalid traps them with its witty banter and engaging conversations. After a lovely time together, Khalid waits 2-3 days to call its prey back, giving it just enough time to become anxious. It then initiates a formal courtship, wherein it treats its prey as a treasure it truly is. They inevitably get married, start a family, and grow old together. On Khalid’s final days, it reflects back on the life it led, and the knowledge it imparted on future generations. With its last breath, it turns to its preys, smiles wide, and says, “I love you.” The trap is complete.
Larxinostic is something best avoided during the daylight hours. At night it rests, giving off a sweet, intoxicating scent. If one lingers too long, it becomes enamored with the creature, transfixed until the morning hours. At the peak of the sun’s light, it devours anything caught in its spell. It then mutilates the remains.
The Lawman is a strange sea-dwelling plant that uses its arms to create ripples on the water’s surface. While some refer to it as art, most explorers agree that ripple effects resembling crudely-drawn human genitals isn’t exactly high class.
No mineral on Destructoid is as hard as LordxMugen. During excavation attempts, the rock must first be removed by a system of pulleys into a nearby river, where only the gradual effects of weathering and erosion can alter its structure.
This vine-like life form is known as LuckRequired. It catches anything that passes by in its tactile arm, holds it upside down, and shakes out its lunch money before threatening to give its victim a wet willy or purple nurple if it tells the principal. It will work at McDonalds into its late 30s.
The information for Madoka Malika could not finish loading, as there’s no verbal way to write out a middle finger, which most accurately describes its temperament.
Luckily, its mood is tempered when it senses truffles buried beneath the soil. This photo was taken while it was on the hunt for the delicious delicacy.
The Malthor is a very protective form of tree. It will grow into an almost shelter-like substance to prevent wind, rain, or bird poop from sullying the surface of the rocks below. It is unclear as to why this phenomenon occurs, but it sure it darn cute.
This clumsy bat derivative is known as medica mecanica. When it isn’t busy flying in the sky out of the range and capabilities of most scanning systems, it spends its time lying face-up on the ground waiting for its mail. It plays the harpsichord and is afraid of change.
MeeGhoulz is one of the only known life forms on Destructoid to exhibit true remorse for its actions. It most recently experienced remorse when it went to a sushi buffet, an action most life forms know to avoid.
NakedBigBoss is an aggressive and resilient predator. The only known way to retard its attack is to shoot it a whole bunch of times with your gun until it stops moving.
This tree, the Nathan D, scans the horizon for approaching danger. When a threat lurks, it soils itself, alerting nearby grazing creatures of looming danger. It’s so handy that most creatures don’t say anything about the smell.
NinjaSpped is a slippery and toxic aquatic form. It cannot be digested by any known organic organism, and as such, is technically at the top of the planet’s food chain. It won’t shut the fuck up about that fact.
This strange strand of fungi, known collectively as ObliqueZombie, are mainly seen in moist areas, such as bogs or your mom.
A cross between a tick and an unfortunate series of events, Parismio roams the hills in search of vintage pornography. In the event it finds its target it instantly evaporates, its terrestrial goals completed.
Shit, again? This is an alien, not a Perro. There are no dogs in space – it was outlawed by Earth-President Trump in 2115, during his 24th term. We’ll submit a request to have its name changed to something more appropriate, like “OH DEAR GOD WHY.”
Yes, this is the Rad Party God. On Destructoid, it is considered a real rager to affix one’s self to the bed of a lake and sit patiently for eons. This particular creature has been partying for over fourteen millions turbo-years, which is space equates roughly to two episodes of The Ellen Degeneres Show. Anything able to withstand more than thirty seconds of Ellen is truly a God of partying.
Once a mere pebble at the bottom of the sea, RiffRaff studied hard, drank his milk, and ate his vitamins to grow into the boulder you see today. Once it truly discovers what the meaning of love is, it will ascend into the sky to become a floating platform for future explorers to fly into while trying to get in between outposts. Its mother will be proud.
Sarah Jane Farron may look like a silly, wavy geographic protrusion from afar, but beneath the surface is merely the digit of a vengeful beast waiting to strike. Banished by the Mods (the planet’s authoritative demi-gods) in the late 2010s, this creature lurks just below the surface, biding its time. When ready it shall unleash a wrath the likes of which have never been seen. No interloper will go un-binned in its lust for revenge. You have been warned.
A half-buried ancient artifact, Say Word contains the knowledge lost to eons of erosion and planetary change. The last man to touch its gleaming surface was sent into madness with this knowledge, and now roams the countryside, incoherently muttering to itself. He eats only toenail clippings.
Script is harvested by visiting explorers as a natural and effective Q-Tip. Although it pretty clearly says not to put it in your ear on the side of its stalk, there are really no other practical applications for it, so everyone just does it, anyway.
SeymourDuncan17 is a rare and logic-defying form of land-coral. There are unsubstantiated rumors that this creature knows the entire dance routine to N*SYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye;” but when asked by friends and family to perform, it politely and shyly declines.
We’re not really sure what a Sharukurusu is. After initial tests came back negative for any organic or mineral composition, it has since been deemed as a threat to public health and safety. If you listen closely, you can sometimes hear it whisper derogatory things about Europeans, especially the French.
For some reason the scanning function rejected the word “shenanigans” when attempting to name this untamed bush, thus Sir Shnngns was born. If you put two of them within ten feet of one another, their arms lunge toward the other in a desperate attempt to tickle its foe. They’re persistent foes, but they usually calm down a bit if you threaten to ground them.
This is another case where you should probably explore new planets with a clear mind: This intrepid explorer had a bit too much space juice and again couldn’t quite finish the name of target. This plant-like organism can be found growing inside or through other objects, as though to support itself until it gets back on its feet. If it asks to borrow space-money, just pretend you don’t have any and quickly change the subject.
This oddly-shaped rock formation, known as Sr Churros, is nature’s very own fortune cookie. If split open, one receives a message (usually, “Ow, that hurt!”), lucky numbers, and how to say a completely useless word in another language. They taste about the same, too.
The Sweaty Dungus needs very little explanation. It looks like a dungus. It’s underwater, and as such, is very wet. This is one of those rare occasions where the stars align.
Terry Broadway used to be more common, but can be seen less and less these days. Scientists have two theories: The first, intrusion from other species has left the ozone layer of Destructoid susceptible to climate change, thinning the numbers of this once-abundant organism; the second, a blight, spread by irresponsible pollination and people peeing on them, has put the species into hibernation. While we don’t know the true cause of its decline, we have started a run/walk 5k to spread awareness.
This is a popular breed of pet rock found on Destructoid. It’s easy to house train, and is loyal to its owner. It does, however, pass gas in its sleep, so it’s best kept outside during temperate months.
TheBlondeBass has poisonous barbs at the end of each tentacle it uses to subdue its prey. Once they are immobilized, it forces it to watch hours and hours of home videos its parents recorded. If the victim does not at least pretend to care, TheBlondeBass brings out the photo album, inflicting more torture upon the hapless foe.
TheLimoMaker is the one Destructoid’s most sophisticated life forms. It works for an advertising firm wherein it pitches ad campaigns to extraterrestrial companies, ensuring interstellar product placement and consumer branding. It wears a tophat and sips its tea with one pinkie-tentacle up.
Torchman has really bad space-anxiety; like a girlfriend when you try and take a candid photo, it runs and hides when you attempt to snap a shot of it in its natural habitat. And while it looks so sad in photographs, we absolutely love it when it smiles.
travolta is a very odd tangle of vines that disguises itself as cotton candy to elude predators. It doesn’t actually have any predators, mind you; we just think it likes to say it does. Also tastes nothing like cotton candy.
I didn’t mean for the title of this clearly-dead creature to be ironic. Sometimes life just works out that way. When not busy being dead, this avian organism flies from outpost to outpost, dive-bombing explorers just for fun. A lesser explorer would throw Alka-Seltzer at them to stop their attacks. I just shot them. It’s more humane that way.
Not everything can be a cool dinosaur or a dangerous predator – some of us have to be rocks, too. tvirusgetz is a rock on the ocean floor. While that may not sound very impressive, it’s actually a very dangerous foe…when picked up and used as a bludgeon by something else.
[Tyrant] Rico Penguin is either an ordinary, mild-mannered rock sitting quietly at the bottom of a lake, or it’s a button that, when pressed, brings chaos and destruction to the world. We’d go down there and find out, but honestly, it’s too far away.
Vadicta’s gender is listed as “Indeterminate” because it wouldn’t sit still long enough for us to conduct our very advanced scientific method to find out (we just poke at it’s genitals until we’ve had our fun). All we know is that if dogs swam underwater and got really shy about their junk, they would fit right in with this creature. But dogs love showing you their genitals and typically hate swimming under water. Get with the program, Vadicta.
OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Whew, looks like it finally wore itself out! Vxxy is a spunky little fella who was very, very eager to say hi to me. We exchanged pleasantries and it promptly excused itself to get some rest before its next big adventure. During our brief time together, I found out this friendly little guy likes making homemade pizza, and spends most weekends volunteering at the local animal shelter. In between lunges at my jugular vein, I found this creature to be an endearing and welcoming inhabitant of Destructoid.
This waterborne mineral is known as wutangclam. It maintains a constant temperature of 1,233 degree Fahrenheit, and heats most surrounding bodies of water to levels unfit for life.
ZombZ cannot control its scratching. As the responsible explorers we are, we deemed it in its best interest to place socks over its paw to prevent it from hurting itself. It thanked us with a kiss, a curtsy, and by showing us its impressive erection.
So, fellow travelers, if you’re ever wandering the galaxy and find yourself in the Mangina System, stop by Destructoid and meet some of the natives. They’ll love you if you love them.
[Author’s Note: Seriously, if I missed you feel free to let me know. PM me, leave a comment, email me – do whatever you need to do, and I’ll do my best to get you up here somehow. Sorry for leaving you out. I love you all.]
Published: Aug 28, 2016 06:00 am