There’s a new Minecraft world champion, and I could totally beat him up

Hypothetically speaking, of course

Ten year old Julien Wiltshire is on the top of the tall blocky mountain, as he’s the new world champion of Minecraft. That’s a big accomplishment for such a little dude! And, I could totally beat him up if I wanted.

“But Brett, why would you — a relatively healthy and handsome 20-something year old — want to pulverize a small child?” I wouldn’t, you monster! I’d be more likely to throw him on top of my shoulders and run a victory lap as the American flag is draped around him! But, I’m also saying that if push came to shove, I would defeat him in hand-to-hand combat. And I would be doing all the pushing and shoving.

Really, the little tyke wouldn’t stand a chance. Ankle picks, spinning backfists, savage noogies — they’d all be Julien’s undoing. Atomic wedgies and horrific swirlies are in my arsenal too. I’m not a bully; I’m just doing what’s necessary to survive.

In fact, I’m confident that I could destroy you and no less than four more of your friends at the same time. (Caveat: Ages ten and under; no recruiting a 20 year old linebacker from the nearby university to be your “pal.”) If you and your gang of prepubescent street urchins somehow overcame me, I’d suddenly erupt upward and send you all flying haphazardly in every which direction. You’re ten, Julien. Ten! Probably 75-pounds soaking wet.

It’d be so easy. Me, a full-grown games-blogging man, versus a pre-teen who hasn’t even felt the devastating crush of the real world yet. Think of this theoretical beatdown (that I’d never actually dish out) as a lesson, bud. There’s so much disappointment and confusion in this life, wondering why this mean person is giving you vicious charlie horse after vicious charlie horse would be a good warm-up.

The point is that you shouldn’t pick a fight you can’t finish, Julien. It’d hurt me more than it’d hurt you, and it’d hurt you a whole lot. (Please don’t come looking for me in seven years. I’m so sorry, Julien.)