Moments in Presidential history: Cats, mechs, and burgers

WE SALUTE YOU!

On President’s Day, it’s our duty as bloggers to supply the unwashed, malnourished Kmart-lovin’ masses of America with reminders of awesome, fictional Presidents in games. I mean, it’s not like I get to take the day off, so what the heck else am I going to write about?

A Google search and office poll later, it became very apparent to me that most videogame presidents aren’t ones anyone would want in office, in real life. Nonetheless, there are a few men, machine, and feline presidents that our current leader could learn some valuable lessons from.

Join me on this historic trek through great presidential moments in virtual history.

1988 – President Ronnie rewards good work with fast food (Bad Dudes)

Why reward military service with a historic statue, when you can give two hardworking members of the Secret Service a burger instead? This is the difference between the Japanese and English ending of Bad Dudes; it’s also the difference between a good and a great president.

1993 – President Clinton is on fire (NBA Jam)

There are many critics who are quick to point out Clinton’s lackluster sax playing — let’s just say he’s no Kenny G; man, does that guy know how to suck and blow — and his inability to keep booty calls on the DL, but no one can deny his ability to shoot some hoops in NBA Jam.

1998 – President Richardson puts “Near-humans” in their place (Fallout 2)

Being president in the 2020s isn’t easy, especially when there are asshole mutants with massive Gatling guns roaming the country. In such dark and dry times, America needs a president that isn’t afraid to commit acts of genocide and nuclear warfare which is why President Richardson — wooden, emotionless face and all — continues to inspire.

2001 – President Mr. President shows that inaction is sometimes the best action (Sonic Adventures 2)

In the face of great tumult and terrorism, Mr. President decides to relax in his limo and let a little blue hedgehog do the heavy lifting. If only our current president could learn a thing or two from him.

2004 – President Visari gives a rousing speech (Killzone)

Visari doesn’t appear in the first Killzone, but his presence in the game’s introductory cinematic lingers on. Such is the power of a great presidential speech that inspires the people to rise up and senselessly murder.

2004 – President Wilson takes matters into his own hands (Metal Wolf Chaos)

So many Presidents enter office complaining about the problems that the past president left, only to then turn around and burden the next president with their own unfinished issues. Well, Wilson pilots a freaking mech. So he’s not going to take shit from either end. He’s going to handle it and give foreign adversaries his “flame of justice.”

2008 – President Ackerman works with canine allies toward common goal (Command & Conquer 3)

In a progressive stance, Ackerman moves the national dialog from being “for or against illegal immigration” to “for or against attack dogs handling illegal immigration.” Resourceful, fair, and firm.

2009 – President Cat shows that great presidents shouldn’t be labeled by species (Sukeban Shachou Rena)

Only in Japan can the American dream be truly realized.