Downloadable content such as Shadow Of The Erdtree or The Witcher 3’s Blood and Wine prove to be good or even better than the already excellent title they came out of. It feels too bad that we have to contend with dozens of vile ones for each fantastic piece of DLC.
Let’s look at some of the nastiest, meanest, and sometimes just the most hilariously bad DLC companies had the sheer audacity to ask money for.
Oblivion’s Horse Armor DLC
The origins of many terrible things from real life will forever remain a mystery to the greater public. When it comes to the microtransaction-filled video game hellscape of nowadays, however, we can pinpoint the exact time and place in history when the future human resistance failed to send a Terminator to.
Back in 2005, Microsoft asked a bunch of studios if they’d like to begin introducing this totally harmless thing called “microtransactions” in their games, and only Bethesda refrained from hitting them with a big “No f*n way.” The result was a piece of DLC from 2006 that, for a very experimental $2,5, would give Oblivion players a set of armor. To make matters worse, this armor set added nothing but a different look for the horse — one that nobody else could see, given Oblivion‘s single-player nature. Worse, it didn’t even look good for the one person who could see it. Like, why are the horse’s golden hairs going against the wind? It makes zero sense.
Everyone lambasted the idea back in the day — and we still do — but it has mostly become the norm. While it’s true that most single-player games don’t feature dumb cosmetics you can buy with real money, the idea of paying for unnecessary stuff sure did take hold of the industry. Hell, good luck even finding any piece of cosmetic DLC — even something uglier than that — for as low as $2.50 nowadays.
The Saboteur’s DLC capitalizes on players’ kinks
The Saboteur is a fantastic title that deserved way more attention than it got — so long as you ignore the existence of its pretty tasteless DLC. The Midnight Show DLC teases an entire nightclub filled with all sorts of debauchery. Ok, but this isn’t a GTA clone where this kind of activity would be fitting. This is a game about sabotaging the plans of Nazis, so if you find this strange, it’s because it totally is. This DLC’s real reason for existing is that it allows players to have nudity in the game, and making it about a nightclub seemingly made it thematically appropriate to have players pay extra cash to get in.
This DLC managed to both the prudes and the people who are totally ok with lewd stuff in games, so long as they don’t have to pay extra for that hot coffee.
Destiny 2’s DLCs
This is less about the content of a specific DLC and more about the idea behind Destiny 2‘s DLCs. I began playing Destiny 2 after the release of Forsaken and got pretty disappointed that a lot of the stuff I needed to experience to understand the plot of the game — stuff you’d previously been able to play with no problem — had been locked behind the DLC’s paywall. On top of this move being highly uninviting for new players, it feels like a betrayal towards existing members of the community who might’ve wanted to replay some classic mission and still hadn’t had the opportunity to get the new stuff.
Asura’s Wrath True Ending DLC
What sucks about many of these DLCs is how they exist in otherwise fantastic and original titles. Asura’s Wrath is a blast — a completely unique experience from start to finish — but it’s too bad one that ends on a note that’s original only for the worst possible reason.
Completing the base campaign in Asura’s Wrath will get you to watch an ending, but not the true final ending of the game. If you wanted to learn the ending of the story you’d already paid full price for back in 2012, you’d have to pay extra. Pretty nasty — and dumb, as YouTube had already been a thing for a while back then.
I understand how it must’ve been hard to market such a unique and ever-changing title, but this is definitely not it.
Dragon Age: Origins’ has a living billboard advertising its DLC
When playing the original Dragon Age: Origins without having the DLC installed, you could come across an NPC in your camp who’d break any semblance of immersion by breaking up mid-dialogue to tell you to buy the DLC.
What kind of witchery was this? Did a vile witch curse an innocent to roam the land, pestering everyone to buy this DLC? Well, no, it’s even worse, given how the devs created life seemingly just for that purpose.
Say what you will about The Veilguard, but at least that game doesn’t feature people-shaped billboards.
The Last Of Us Part 2 shows money is important even during the zombie apocalypse
The Last Of Us 2 has received its fair and unfair share of criticism, but I didn’t see many people complaining about its whack pre-order bonus. Yeah, while you can only argue The Last Of Us Part 2 proves a weirdly punishing experience for everyone, you can definitely say Naughty Dog got really weird with whom it favored by the game’s launch.
If you were to pre-order the game, you’d get both a crafting manual as well as a weapon mod that would increase your pistol’s ammo capacity by two rounds. Good thing the pay-to-survive model never took off.
Train Simulator has the most ridiculously expensive DLC in history
This game has one hell of a lot of stuff you can buy, like new locomotives, carts, and railways. Content is great, and I’m not knocking the quality of any of these DLCs, but they’re all damn expensive. I’m not going to count exactly how many DLC items there are in this game, but getting them all would set you back by over $10,000.
I don’t get how anyone who’s not either Selphie from Final Fantasy VIII or a rich person who loves to spend money in ever more disheveled ways would care that much about this game.
Star Citizen’s Ships are more expensive than actual cars
And if acquiring a bunch of trains in a game is expensive, getting a bunch of ultra-advanced starships would be even more expensive. The math is completely sound, is it not? So, if you want to acquire Star Citizen’s Legatus 2953 Bundle, which contains 175 ships, you’ll need to shell out $48,000.
While that sounds absolutely insane, there are also those who just donate money to the developers to get nothing — not even the full game — so touché, I guess.
It might sound unfair to clown on the extra content of a game that’s not even really out yet, but I guess we’re all willing to make an exception when they ask this much for DLC content.
Sonic Lost World’s 25 DLC lives
Yes, the devs of Sonic Lost World asked players to pay extra to get 25 extra lives — something they can get on any Sonic game simply by pressing the reset button enough times — but it gets better.
If you don’t know Sonic Last World, you’ll probably find it extra weird and hilarious to learn that this is one of the least challenging Sonic titles in existence — one where getting extra lives is, well, extra easy. Before clowning on this one, however, please be mindful that the devs could’ve really ramped up the game’s difficulty to make paying for those lives sound more tempting, and they just went for the bluff instead. I kind of have to respect their game.
Mortal Kombat X sells Easy Fatalities
Are you a good MK player who just happens to be incredibly afraid of choking when the “Finish Him!” screen pops up? Do you believe messing up a fatality is a bigger cause for shame than actually losing a Kombat? Ever wished you could have an easier time inputting the (relatively simple, actually) inputs required to perform a fatality on your friend? Well, NetherRealm had you in mind when they created the equivalent of training wheels for fatalities, which I’m guessing counts as the first instance of pay-to-flex in fighting game history. Best of all, nobody will know you paid for it. Everyone is just immediately gonna think you’re so damn good at performing fatalities, something that everyone cares so deeply about.
Now, just think how hilarious it must be to see someone not skilled enough to perform a fatality attempt to play well enough to beat a serious opponent and get a chance to use said fatality.
Published: Feb 8, 2025 09:44 am