Ah, the mascot/franchise-based kart racing game. Once an oft-abused staple of the cash-in side of game production, the tendency for publishers to slap their characters into a realm of zany tracks and madcap fantasy weaponry seems to have mostly faded from the public eye. Aside from the continued persistence of the Mario Kart series, the rush to milk properties by slapping new wheels on them that surged in the 64-bit era and hung on a bit into the days of the PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube has mostly faded into antiquity.

Personally, I'm disappointed by this. And I want to bring it back, with a racing take on the most inappropriately glorious series for the role. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to pitch...

Halo: Karting Evolved.



Take the framework laid down by the original Super Mario Kart, down to the 16-bit graphics and Mode 7 goodness, but with new tracks, an expanded weapon spread, different vehicles to choose from, and a huge cast of characters, all from the Halo universe. Make it downloadable. If possible, throw in some online multiplayer, though even couch co-op would be better than nothing and an appropriate throwback. Who wouldn't want that?

Besides, you know, Halo purists, or the sort of gorillas that dominate the multiplayer scene anymore. I think, for the most part, this would draw in a huge amount of Halo fans, as well as attention from 343 Industries, perhaps even praise if their attitude toward fan-created content is as healthy as Bungie's was.

The universe itself is rich enough to provide material for a huge number of tracks, with indvidual courses being divvied up into Cups based on the games from which those tracks originated. One for each numbered game, plus ODST, Reach, and Halo Wars, with a seperate cup or two for tracks based on classic multiplayer arenas, and you've already got a lot of racing to do. To allow for a wider cast of characters, I think it'd be easier to break things down into archetypes with basic stat spreads, like SPARTAN-IIs, SPARTAN-IIIs, AIs, Elites, ODSTs, and so forth, with individual, familiar faces selectable from those sets with their own slightly different advantages and disadvantages. Out-of-game canon, such as the novels, animated shorts, and what have you could fill in the ranks where the games run out of source material.



The same thing goes for vehicles. We've seen so many drivable and pilotable things cruising through Halo that'd be impossible to get them all in with their own stat sets, and unfair to cut it down to just a dozen or less, so again, an archetype-based system would have to be in place. Start all the way down at small ground vehicles (Mongoose, Ghost), and work your way up through Warthog-sized stuff, Scorpion and Wraith tanks, and so forth all the way up to capital ships. Everything would still have to be scaled to the same basic size for graphics' sake, but smaller vehicles would come with acceleration and maneuvering bonuses, whereas the big boys would be meaty as hell and full of momentum once you got them moving.

The weapon selection might need to be pared down a bit from the veritable deluge of firearms we've had access to in first person, but that's a little more reasonable a task. I mean, who's really going to be able to effectively use a sniper rifle while driving, even if it's got auto-aim? Throw in some automatic weaponry, sidearms, a couple of rifles, and frags and stickies, and you're pretty well set to go.



Since I doubt the chances of 343 Industries getting to so desperate a cash-in point to make such a game anytime soon, Karting Evolved would have to be an indie, not-for-profit effort. Given the success of such homage style games as Abobo's Big Adventure, Super Mario Crossover, the PixelForce demakes, and more, I imagine it'd be possible to find an audience willing to donate to make things happen. Granted, it's more than likely to stay just a dream, but if anyone else out there is as crazy as me, don't hesitate to get in touch; I've put a lot more thought into this than is probably healthy for someone who can't do sprite art or code, and it'd be like writing a novel to go into it in-depth here.

...and overshoots straight into troll country.

On April 2nd, 2012, renowned fap rag Maxim thought it would be a brilliant idea to run a contest to find their first ever Maxim Gamer Girl. What they didn't count on was the fact that this was the internet, which means there are just as many people out there willing to enter and dick around with the proceedings as there are ladies who genuinely want to cash in on their own objectification.



In only three days of the costume being open, legit personalities such as twitch.tv broadcaster AriaBlarg and the very own sister of former P.A.D. and MASH TacticS host Jon Carnage, Jan Candice, have thrown their hats into the ring, as well as plenty of more anonymous gimmick accounts like George Costanza, a gentleman by the name of WazzupBitches, and even gamer granny Owningsince1890 have entered the fray, and they're amongst plenty more tongue-in-cheek company. One of the frontrunners is a fine young gentleman by the name of Hot Bid, whose real name is apparently ESP ORTS. Amazing.

You have the ability to vote once daily, so feel free to go and sign up as a voter, whether you'd like to join in sinking this (hot) mess or actually contribute. Any of the above entries are more than worthy of your backing, or feel free to browse through the more serious entrants to get behinds someone you'd actually like to see half-naked.

Or, if you're feeling generous, you could, I dunno, go ahead and vote for me.

Problem is, I forgot two of them. So you get six and four.



F) "Game show host" was probably the longest career goal I had as a young child

My heroes growing up were Alex Trebek and J.D. Roth, and as much as I wanted to be on Video Power, I was even more intent on taking over or hosting my own show one day. I used to narrate things and talk to invisible audiences when I had time on my own when I was still in the single digits, age-wise, and entered a lot of plays in elementary school just to get stage experience. A handful of mildly traumatic experiences and being too afraid to join drama club along with my crush when I got to middle school quashed that dream for a long time, but its resurgence is why I do my own streaming on twitch.tv now, as well as take every opportunity I can to hop in on multiplayer sessions on Mash Tactics and Chill With Phil, and am not afraid to post all sorts of garbage here and on YouTube.

It's also probably why a fair amount of my life is an elaborate fiction, tailored to specific familial and friend-group audiences, but eh.

7) I used to write self-insert Sailor Moon fanfiction

For a longer time than I'd like to admit. It started in crappy script/screenplay format, after seeing some on Compuserve and spending too much time in anime-themed MUSHes, and eventually bloated into a syndicate of writers, with all sorts of drama, weirdness, and relationship disasters going on between us all. By the time we were up to nearly a dozen members, not including the guy we'd kicked out for lifting his story almost entirely from the Sega CD game Vay, I'd at least stepped back to a more editorial position, proofreading and occasionally kicking out plot ideas for the most part.

It all fell apart after one of the regular furry interlopers we'd get on the IRC channel where we'd meet weekly turned out to be that one exile, keeping tabs on things and generally harassing the girl in Florida with whom he'd bombed a creepy, long-distance relationship. Thanks to the demise of Geocities, no archives are floating around online, either. Not that it was particularly noteworthy in goodness or badness; I think by the end of it, everyone had too many powers, my character and one other housed demigods and would turn into cats after unleashing their full potential, and we had a Sliders/Quantum Leap thing going on where we jumped to different anime and game universes.

We all make mistakes.

%) Yes, I'm still a vegan

Sorry, I get this question once a week, and it's driving me nuts. I segued down to a more plant-based diet at the end of last year, for health and monetary reasons and because my body is more an alchemical lab to me than a temple, where I like to play around with dietary restrictions to see what happened. Because of reasons, and several friends going full-on vegan, I decided to go whole-hog myself, and it stuck.

Granted, I did so more out of a sense of challenge than out of any moral obligation, but it's still annoying to be asked every week if I've caved. To be honest, I'm at the point where seeing raw meat is a little disgusting, like when a quitting smoker starts getting downright nauseous around cigarette smoke. So yeah. I think this is going to be a thing for a while. I had my share of meaty treats, and I'm ready to move on.

The internet at large going apeshit for bacon kind of helped push me over the edge, too, to be honest. If internet people are doing it, I kinda don't want to.

Y) I'm a cat guy

In case the username and your weeabooesque, passing knowledge of a few Japanese words didn't clue you in, I like kitty cats. Dogs are okay, but I'm leery of unconditional love, as well as having to go outside with something so it can poop. And whereas you can always count on a dog to come cheer you up or hang out, cats are masters of timing it for maximum impact.



1) I spent a month in Japan on an exchange program

In Nagoya and environs (Gifu, technically, at least with my host family), for those of you wondering the specific location. And I spent most of it tracking down a complete set of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon and Codename Wa Sailor V manga, as many TWO-MIX albums as I could find, and buying pornography for the other three guys in the American group because I was 16 and the time, which looked 18 enough over there.

This was also my first exposure to Pokemon, which was a phenomenon there already and barely even announced in the United States. I guess that's when I caught the disease.

() I think I can marry people

Some of you may remember back when the Universal Life Church was ordaining people online for free, or at least really cheap. I got in on that, even though I'm pretty sure nowhere actually recognizes that as valid. If they do, let me know, so I can set up a lucrative side business watching people kiss one another.

I was also a registered SubGenius for a while, which is just as valid when it comes to consecrating the union of two lovers, but neglected to re-up my dues after the first year. May Bob not forsake me.



B) I dressed as Strong Bad for Halloween once, back when I was in better shape and dumb

Made the mask myself out of some foamies and a red cloth bondage play mask I ordered online, then picked up some cheap youth-size boxing gloves that barely fit over my fingers (never mind the rest of my hands), and went so far as to get a plush The Cheat commissioned by then-famous cosplayer Elfeater (who, oddly enough, was kind of being stalked by one of my writing fellows in the fanfiction days).

It did not impress the girl I was trying to impress. I did a lot of things that did not impress her. Mostly in our shared Animal Crossing village I dubbed "Fhqwgads" (the second h wouldn't fit), which had the Strongbadian flag flying over its island.

^) I know both parts of Human League's "Don't You Want Me" by heart

I can be the lady or the dude at karaoke. Versatility, baby.

0) Jon Carnage, former host of Mash Tactics, thought I was a lady for a month and a half

Not long after I first started watching the show last year, I changed my username to my favorite color, purple, and for whatever reason, got my comments read aloud and responded to on a fairly regular basis. That is, except for every time I corrected Carnage and Pico regarding my gender. Thanks in part to Jon's inability to connect real names to chat names (which I can understand; I have that problem even after meeting people in real life), it wasn't until I'd friended Pico on facebook in the hopes of wrecking her Monstermind empire (which happened all of twice) that I was confirmed to be male.

The best part? During last year's Dtoid charity stream (the one where Max got punched in the balls), I got home between jobs long enough to hop in for a bit, right when Jon was taking a break from being the tech side of things to get on cam, and he saw me in chat and decided to share this tale with everyone.

And then he did it again for one of the Mash Tactics shows segueing between him and King Foom as hosts.

And it will probably keep happening forever.

Legacies are legacies, I guess.



ELEVENTY) I've never beaten Super Mario Bros

In any form, ever. Despite having access to the game for 25 years, through various phases of reaction times and twitch musculature, I just can't do it. Not in the original form, or the version on Super Mario All-Stars for the SNES, or even Super Mario Crossover. I have yet to give Mari0 a crack, but I have my doubts.

I've beaten 2, 3, World, and 64 with little or no problems. Hell, I even know all the warp zones, and little tricks like the infinite 1-up troopa and whatnot. Hell, I've gotten into Minus World twice. But, like some strange parallel to my real-world love life, I often wonder if my princess will forever be in another castle.

Jack your volume down if you're up for some terrible singing, as my mic sucks less than I thought and picked up at a higher level than I expected.

Legit writeup coming soon, based mostly on content from the terminals in Halo 3 and Combat Evolved Anniversary, as well as the Datapads in Reach, and the lore I've been nerding out over for way too long now.

No, I won't do this for karaoke at PAX East. At least not within the time it takes to get through my first two drinks.

A Petition for Alternate Reviews by Destructoid Editor Jim Sterling

We, the undersigned, respectfully request the consideration of the following petition.

Whereas:

* Video games are an interactive medium providing detailed frameworks within which players can find their own enjoyment or lack thereof

* A major concept of video game reviews is that the numbers at their end significantly affect the quality of this enjoyment

* Another major concept of game reviews is that any game receiving lower than a 7.0 is garbage

We believe:

* It is the right of Jim Sterling (and/or the publishers paying him off) to espouse opinions on games as he (they) see fit

However, we also believe that the currently available stock of his reviews:

* Do not provide satisfactory numerical designations of actual game quality

* Do not convey reactions consistent with a sizable portion of Destructoid's readership, or game review readers in general

* Do not regularly match up to the opinions of other, more established (read: commercial) sites such as IGN, Gamespot, Game Informer, et cetera

* Do not properly maintain games' rightful Metacritic scores more often than not

We therefore respectfully request revisions be provided to Jim's reviews which provide:

* A more satisfactory evaluation of Assassin's Creed II, as that game was leaps and bounds beyond its predecessor and had Ezio Auditore, who was so awesome, they milked him for two more games and several tie-ins and cameos

* An explanation of how anyone, Jim Sterling or otherwise, could enjoy Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 to the extent Jim apparently did

* A lengthy revisitation of Gears Of War 3, in which Jim realizes the technical advancements of the series' third installment over the prior two games clearly make it superior, thus ending the feud between him and Cliff Bleszinski, because we love CliffyB and are tired of him sounding like a bitch whenever Mr. Sterling is mentioned to him

To this end, we donate to the "Retake Ass Erect 3" charity drive in lieu of our signature to this petition, in order to establish our sincerity, our love for Destructoid.com, or at least, our love for the bits with which Jim Sterling is not involved.

We thank you for your consideration.

And are kind of surprised we managed to spell "Bleszinski" correctly on the first try.

Let me start off by saying I'm not equating the hordes of fanboys that may have initiated a "correction" to Mass Effect 3's ending to evil in this case. While I do consider their ilk, as a whole, to be some sort of internet-bound omega bitch force, they're merely a catalyst for something that may have much worse ripples to come down the line. Sure, there were a lot of people who were upset by ME3's closing options, and it would appear they may have secured something "better" in the reasonably near future. However, this could have a severely negative impact on in-game storytelling on the whole as time wears on.



You see, by becoming vocal enough to elicit such an overhaul in a finished, released game, ME3tards have essentially punched content creators across the board in the mouth, telling them the stories and experiences they want to tell are invalid and can be overturned at any point based on the whims of the audience. If that's the case, than what is the point of trying to craft a story, world, or whatever else that may try something new or different? Whether or not such experiments are "good" or "bad" is not the issue; the problem is that, if things are that mutable based on after-the-fact feedback, creating anything that doesn't fit established molds for crowd-pleasing and profitability becomes that much more dangerous in the eyes of publishers. I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd be particularly keen on throwing more time and money at a project I thought was done and sold already if I were any kind of businessperson.

That leaves us, at least in the mainstream, AAA-title sphere, with writers and directors who either recognize this risk and are too afraid for their paychecks to not conform to market expectations and thereby fail to push games as a medium forward in any way, and creators with vision and talent getting shut down and rejected due to their concepts having particularly clear content margins. Sure, the latter may still find a home in the burgeoning indie game scene, but given how mainstream game production seems to be more and more bogged down by sequelitis, reiteration, and revisitation every year, reinforcing the idea that "innovative" and "moneymaking" are mutually exclusive cannot be healthy.



Never mind that such a punch in the face is also a pretty personal affront to said creative minds as well. How would you feel if you poured your heart into something, especially something three games long, only to be told you'd done it "wrong?" This kind of attitude is bound to at least slightly sour content creators' affinity and respect for their fans, especially if it continues to grow and spread across the board. Bad reviews and poor sales are hard and frequent enough trials as it is, but the shortfalls that lead to such things can just as often be attributed to lacking resources, subpar marketing, overly tight deadlines, and other demons of the business as they can be to developer ineptitude. But to accuse an established canon, especially one as beloved as Mass Effect's, of being incorrect just for a few missteps? Combined with the gall to say you, individually or collectively, "know" what's "right" or "better?" That's absolutely uncalled-for.

In the fans' defense, the sequence leading up to the ending-determining choices does feel fairly rushed, and disconnected from the innumerable choices players make on their way to that finale. And whomever's in charge of Mass Effect as intellectual property already showed some severe mishandling in farming out the novel Deception to William C. Dietz, the writing ace who also gave us The Flood, aka Halo: Combat Evolved: The Easy Playthrough: The Novel. However, the corrections for which that book was retracted were already established as fact in the games' universe, rather than in the imaginations of the fans. Such an oversight in no way provides a precedent for the demands currently placed on BioWare, or potentially placed on any other developer down the line.



The optimist in me is hoping beyond hope that this is an isolated incident, and once fans are presented with an alternate ending or content further explaining the existing one, this whole thing will blow over and be forgotten. At the same time, we live in a world where the frequently malfunctioning and generally irritating trend of online passes continues to persist, and new and unique games already get buried under shovelware and retreads thanks to poor launch timing and lack of advertising.

Let us hope you needy brats haven't ruined things for the rest of us.

And that I'm done talking about this game, because it's really starting to hurt my brain.





Strip is from Penny Arcade. Given that they are hilarious, and they're responsible for PAX, which in turn is pretty much responsible for Destructoid, you should probably read their stuff.