I want a new computer.

Apparently, that's a lot harder of a choice than I had previously considered. I'm not a computer expert by any means, which complicates things even more. I've used Apple computers in the past and absolutely loved them, but their higher cost might be prohibitive. I had previously considered looking for a gaming-quality PC, but other than The Orange Box, I can't really think of any game I actually want for the PC; the only other computer games I play are Flash games and stuff like that.

If I were to go with a Mac, what do you guys suggest? I was looking at the Mac Mini, but I am NOT paying $500 for a monitor, I don't care if it's made with diamond-dust. Are there some good, NON-Apple monitors that look good with the Mac Mini?

PLZ HALP OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET HERE

FUCK YES. YES YES YES YES YES.

Peter Berg, actor and director of Friday Night Lights, The Rundown, and The Kingdom, confirmed yesterday that as of this moment, he is in preproduction for the greatest sci-fi story of all time, Dune. Words cannot express how fucking excited I am for this. I just finished the first trilogy last night (Children of Dune has a fantastic ending :D) and the epicness of the books made me realize how shortchanged they have been in the film adaptation department. The 1984 David Lynch version was terrible. The 2000 Sci-Fi Channel version was good, but way too low-budget. The 2003 sequel miniseries was better, but still lacked a real sense of wonder and awe that a series of Dune's caliber should have. If Lord of the Rings can take three massive books and abridge them enough to make three mind-blowing movies, surely someone can make Dune the way it's supposed to be.

When asked about the scale of the new verison, all that Berg would say was "big, big, big." It's about time that a sci-fi universe as intelligent, brilliant, and epic as Dune came to the big screen. I don't want to sit through another Transformers. D:

Anyway...

God damn, I am so excited about this. This is going to be awesome.

This is a filler post to bide some sweet time for a couple other articles I'm developing. (As in, thinking about writing them.)

Anyway, I am the inventor of the famous Monorail Cat picture. Feel free to disbelieve me, but during the origins of the LOLcat thing (about a year and a half ago), I searched Google for cats and found a picture of a cat sitting on a TV. It looked like he was riding a monorail, so I just went into Paint and slapped on some Impact-font text. But if you look carefully, that's not a rail, that's a TV. I didn't realize that until AFTER I created the image.

But yeah, that's mine. Seriously. If I was lying, I'd pick a MUCH better LOLcat to claim as my own.

MAH BABY'S ALL GROWED UP

Hey guys. I'm Ark. This is my blog. No introductions, no life story. Let's make like Viewtiful Joe and just go for it.

GAME JUDGMENT!!

I have a much different idea of reviews than others, so I'm going to try and write reviews that I, as a gamer, would enjoy reading. How exactly will my reviews be different, you ask? Well, they're not "reviews", they're "judgments", because "judgment" is a fucking awesome word. Here's my review criteria:

Is it fun?
Is it challenging?
Is it innovative?
Is it cool?

With that in mind, let's checkity-check out the breakity-breakdown.

JUDGMENT!! - THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: PHANTOM HOURGLASS

In short, Phantom Hourglass disappoints hardcore fans, but will delight casual fans.

Let me get something out of the way first. The Legend of Zelda is hands-down my favorite game series of all time. It's unimaginably fun. It taps deep into the archetype of the hero mythos and creates a modern myth in an age with no more heroes. (No More Heroes get it LOL) You truly feel like a young boy who really is in the pastoral storybook world of Hyrule, and you really do have to save the most beautiful girl in the world from the most horrible man to ever exist. It's evocative, powerful, and a towering achievement in interactive entertainment.

So how can Phantom Hourglass disappoint, you say?

Is it fun? Yes, absolutely. The idea of a "learning curve" doesn't exist. You control Link entirely with the touchscreen, and it's absolutely perfectly suited to the 2D Zelda style. Items are incredibly intuitive and fun to use.. Combat is simple, yet deeply satisfying. Puzzles are well-designed and just as engaging. Two parts of the game really stand out as dramatic examples of perfect gameplay. One is the Temple of the Ocean King, a twenty-floor megadungeon guarded by Phantoms and covered in a mist that drains your life unless you have the eponymous Phantom Hourglass and its Sand of Hours. The more sand you have, the longer you can stay in the Temple, and that means being quick, stealthy, and silent if you want to avoid the Phantoms. The other part is the fantastic boss battles, which all do something unique with the DS's two screens and are insanely fun. And multiplayer is a blast. If you've never cursed at a Zelda game, this might be your chance!

Is it challenging? With all that said, what can possibly go wrong? Well, a lot, apparently. The best way to describe it is, everything in Phantom Hourglass feels like the beginnings of a much deeper Zelda game. You know that first floor in a dungeon that gets you acquainted with the enemies you'll face and the dungeon mechanics? Or that first easy puzzle that demonstrates the concept behind future puzzles? Yeah, that's how EVERYTHING feels in this game. You'll probably die a maximum of two times. Dungeons are incredibly easy and never put up much of a fight. I finished the Wind Temple dungeon half-asleep at 6 in the morning during a car trip, and didn't die once. There's only one big side-quest, and you'll probably finish it before you even realize there was a side-quest to finish. I'm glad Nintendo is ripping apart the conventional gamer demographic and expanding games to everyone, but it feels like they forgot to include any sort of challenge for Zelda series veterans. Which is a damn shame. It's also over way too soon, and there's little to no replay value aside from the strangely addicting multiplayer.

Is it innovative? The controls are innovative, of course, and the Temple and the bosses are all inventive and fresh additions to the series. But for being the direct sequel to The Wind Waker, one of the most distinctive Zelda games ever, Phantom Hourglass seems to have forgotten its roots. Sometimes, it pushes the boundaries of a Zelda game and challenges series conventions with the distinctive style of its predecessor. But other times, it just feels like a really average Zelda game. And the map, while fun to draw on, ends up being depended on for almost every puzzle. In fact, although the game uses practically every feature of the DS hardware, it seems to use some of them in really gimmicky ways, like blowing into the microphone to blow out candles (which you'll do maybe twice in the entire game), or the absurd "map-imprinting" trick you'll have to do for the third crest. Trust me, it's pretty retarded. And the vast majority of the new characters aren't very interesting, except for Linebeck, your pirate companion, and Oshus, the mysterious old man who ends up being a lot cooler than he sounds.

Is it cool? As in, does it have style and stimulate the senses? (That sounds dirty :D) The Wind Waker's beautiful cel-shaded graphics and distinct visual/musical style were fantastic. Phantom Hourglass seems to have lost some of that. The graphics are good, but sometimes it seems like the cel-shaded style is being forced on a system that really can't handle it. A little harder to explain is the difference in the game's world itself, but the best example is this. In Wind Waker, the Zora have evolved into the Rito, and Gorons are nonexistent except for three strangely articulate individuals. (Yes, there are Gorons in Wind Waker, but nobody ever looked hard enough!) In Phantom Hourglass, however, this unique world is thrown out the window. The Gorons are all alive and well (and stupid) on Goron Island, and Zora treasures are frequently found across the many islands. That might just be a nitpick, but a little more consistency with Wind Waker would have been nice. The throwbacks to its predecessor are cool, though, especially the returning characters like Salvatore and the Ho-Ho Brothers, along with a strangely familiar boat...

JUDGMENT TIME!!

So yeah, I ripped on the game's simplicity and lack of challenge. But it's definitely not a bad game, it's just not for hardcore Zelda fans. It's still a lot of fun, and there are some really great moments, but a lot of the game is designed for non-gamers or inexperienced players. The multiplayer is awesome, but that's the only replay value the game has. Oh, and the ending sucks. Ah well, can't have everything in life.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass - 7/10

NOTE: I know this is like the third time posting this, but I wasn't happy with the original review. I kept the score, though. Actually, I was bought out by CNet. DAMN YOU, EIDOS INTERACTIVE!