(One of these days, one of these days I’ll write two blogs in a row without getting sick and disappearing for a few months.)


Well, here we are again. After last times shocking exposé you think game developers wouldn’t try to pull this sort of thing again, but no, it seem they think us all basement dwelling social recluses who won’t catch on to their deceit, well they’re wrong, some of us are paranoid basement dwelling social recluses who read way too much into things.

Once again they’ve tried to pull the wool over our eyes, like a woolly jumper that’s neckhole is too small, well I for one will cast of the jumper, the jumper of lies, and march bare-chested through the streets in protest, unless it’s cold outside, in which case I will wear a jumper, but it will be a synthetic blend of justice and integrity that itches with truth, not like those game writers, the woolly bastards.



In case you missed it last time, basically, game writers follow around other media waiting for them to vomit up an idea so they can catch it in a frying pan and tell us it’s a lovely omelette they made us, or a creepy stalker who finds a discarded slice of pizza in a bin and fondly remembers it as a lovely date the next day. Read on to learn how they can rip-off others so swiftly that it would come as no surprise that most game writers moonlight as Brazilian waxers, which they do actually.



Gears of War clearly rips-off Sex and the City.





Two groups consisting of four people who represent the worst characteristics of their gender. The main character who constantly laments their dissatisfaction with the state of their world and life, yet somehow trudges on doing nothing but make it worse, there’s the friend who’s mind is solely focused on finding a spouse, along with the fan favourite loudmouth brazen one who seems to be overcompensating for their complete lack of depth by wanting to fuck everything, and the other one nobody really cares about, I dunno, probably cynical or something, it’s not like I ever watched Sex and the City, or played Gears of War for that matter, but hey, since when has that stopped people forming opinions about them?

On the surface they might not seem alike, but once you swap out gratuitous violence and chainsaw guns for shoes and pretentious drinks with sticks of celery in them or whatever, it becomes apparent that both are two sides of the same coin, a popular coin that get’s championed as deceptively deep and artistic by it’s creators and fans alike because they’re afraid to admit that they enjoy a piece of media that appeals to their more primal instincts, banging and....the other type of banging....with guns.......because they go bang.



Flower clearly rips-off Every Tampon Commercial.





I mean come on, did they really think we wouldn’t notice? Sans the girl in the light flowing dress, Flower is nothing but playable visual imagery of every tampon ad ever put to television, it’s just petals wafting around in the breeze, and dried up patches of grass springing to life again, or closed flowers slowly opening up in laboured metaphors.

At this rate I’d venture that the reason all the Journey reviews are so vague about the gameplay is because it’s really hard to describe a game where you pour blue liquid on different types of cloth to show which is the most absorbent.



Assassin’s Creed clearly rips off Blackadder.





Mankind throughout the ages! A journey through history as we follow the exploits of descendants in an influential yet mysterious dynasty, who are all conspicuously identical, right down to unique features such as scars and moles. Set in time periods such as the Middle Ages or the Renaissance. The protagonists, always on the outskirts of history’s spotlight, their deeds influencing or revolving around the great figures of the past, showing us how the powerful and idiotic skew history to their favour and are remembered as greats. And minstrels who won’t leave you alone when you’re just trying to take a stroll.

Ubisoft? More like Ubi stealing plots soft of 80’s British period sitcoms.

Yeah, I went there. *sassy ethnic finger snap*



Fable: The Journey clearly rips-off Railworks 3 Train Simulator 2012.





Yes it is.



Deus Ex: Human Revolution clearly rips-off Final Fantasy 7.





So the protagonist works as security for this morally questionable mega corporation until a horrible incident happens and he’s gravely wounded, said mega corporation take him in and turn him into a super soldier. Spend some time in a cyberpunk world where the immense gap between the rich and the working class fuel disparity amongst the people, he then travels the undercity slums where the sky is blocked out by a plate housing the upper city where the upper class citizens live and work for a tyrannical corporation, everybody worries that mankind is exceeding its grasp and going against nature with the use of Materia Augmentations, along with some cringeworthy dialogue from the black characters, a massively ambiguous ending, and then there’s THE HUGE MAN, WITH A GATLING GUN FOR AN ARM, CALLED BARRET!!!

IS ANY OF THIS RINGING A BELL!?!


I don’t know why my eyes are the only ones that see the truth, it’s a curse really, but the people must know! Destructoid is my megaphone, and just like every girlfriend I’ve ever had, I will press my mouth against her and scream as loud as possible till I get everyone’s attention.

Once upon a time there was a little shepherd boy who looked after the sheep of a village, the boy loved spending time with the sheep, you see these were special interactive sheep, he much preferred them over the other the other, more passive forms of farm animal. Cows had really gone downhill lately and he wasn’t that into reading chickens, no, playing with the interactive sheep was where the boys passion laid.

Yes, it’s going to be one of those awful metaphor blogs.





But one day he thought he noticed something amiss with one sheep, “WOLF! WOLF!” he cried, rallying the entire village up the hill to his aid, “What’s wrong?” one villager asked, pitchfork in hand, “This sheep has a gay option!” the boy said while pausing for a moment, waiting for gasps of horror. As the villagers retired back down the hill the boy was left furious and confused, how could the sheep ask if he was gay? How dare it! But the boy didn’t have time to think, there was more trouble afoot.

“WOLF, WOLF” he screamed. The villagers ran back to up the hill, perhaps the boy was mistaken the first time. “Remember when the farmer cancelled that Mega Man Sheep? Well now this other sheep has Bad Boxart Mega Man in it! Clearly the farmer is trying to personally insult me!” The boy watched the villagers stroll back home, he couldn’t understand it, why wasn’t everybody else furious? Did they not love interactive sheep as much as him? Why weren’t they livid at the farmer who provided them with all their meat, veg, and dairy over this convoluted and veiled insult?





Again and again the boy would assemble the village, “This sheep’s eyes are too green!” “This sheep’s ending didn’t satisfy my personal expectations!” “This sheep got 8 out of 10 from the Annual Meat and Livestock Review Association!” ”This Fem-sheep is blonde!”. He tried everything to get their attention, he would start petitions, claim to boycott the farmer, at one point he gave money to Olaf, the poorest man in the village, and said “Look everybody! I’m nice, now let’s Retake Baaas Effect! Change the ending!”

Then one day the boy noticed something, sheep were starting to come out with online passes, one sheep had enough wool for an extra twelve jumpers but the farmer was holding them back so he could charge for them later and make the fall line look more appealing, another had day one DLC that added a huge amount of context to the story but it was clearly cut out so they could charge for it, all sorts of genuinely dirty business farming practices were going down. The boy cried “WOLF!” as loud as he could. But nobody came.





“Ugh, there he is, moaning about some trivial bollocks again” thought the villagers.

“That little shit complains no matter what I do, why should why should I listen to this one?” thought the farmer.

“He’ll buy me anyway” thought the sheep, who was apparently sentient now.

Do you know why the woodcutter came to help Little Red Riding Hood? Because she didn’t accuse every old lady she met of being a wolf.

I warned you it’d be one of those awful metaphor blogs.

How dare you, Capcom. You’ve got some nerve, waltzing in here like you own the place and slapping your loyal fans right in fucking face with your giant ball-top style cock. After everything I’ve done for you, Capcom, you have the cheek, the sheer audacity, to include bad box art Megaman in Street Fighter X Tekken.

Fuck you, Capcom.

Fuck you to Hell.

Literally fuck you with my penis all the way down into the fires of Hell itself.





Why? Why did you do this to me? Why would you include bad box art Megaman as one of the joke characters in SFXT? Why didn’t you pick the other Megaman, you know, classic Megaman, or Megaman X, or Mega Man Volnutt, or Megaman.exe, or Star Force Megaman, or the old cartoon Megaman, or the other old Captain N cartoon Megaman. If you picked one of them nobody would have complained that it wasn’t one of the others.

You have once again disrespected devoted Megaman fans by including an in-joke only they will get and have laughed about for decades, you bastards. You murdered Megaman, and nobody ever talks about him anymore, but that wasn’t enough for you was it? You had to dig up his rotting corpse and drag it through the mud one more time, just to spite us. Just to antagonize the people who keep asking for more Megaman – you gave them more Megaman, you are literally the worst people ever, provoking the fans who gave you nothing but unconditional love for years until you did something we didn’t like.




You will treat him with God damn respect he deserves.


First, they cancel Megaman Legends 3, just because they didn’t think it would make any money, as if that makes any kind of sense, the idea that a company would rather make a profit then please a handful of people is ludicrous, then, they put Zero in MvC3, and Zero isn’t Megaman and they know that, then they put a picture of Megaman in the background of UMvC, as if to say “We hear your concerns but we don’t give a shit and also hate you”, then after all the kicking and screaming we did about Megaman not being in a fighting game, they put him in a fighting game, the sons of bitches. By making reference to a bit of trivia only Megaman fans get and joke about they are clearly telling us how much they hate Megaman and how much they hate us.

Bad box art Megaman is clearly a metaphor for how they feel about Megaman today, he’s nothing but a joke, a bloated, disgusting, mistake from the past who’s only remaining purpose is to be laughed at, just like his fans. Some people might just think that they did it ‘cause it’s funny, and sure, some people might argue that Megaman has been much more prevalent since his “death” then he ever was at the height of his popularity, but those people are wrong.....because. Bad box art Megaman’s appearance in SFxT is clearly intended as phlegmy gob of spit thwaping off the collective face of all Megaman fans. For Capcom, or should I say Crapcom, because they are crap, this is nothing but a mean spirited gesture.




When we joke about it, it’s funny and ironic. When you joke about it, it’s a malicious, backhanded insult.

Because logic.


For Christ sake, my firstborn is called Cut Man, do you know how much bullying she receives over that? But I’m willing to bear that burden because I care, about Megaman. Apparently I’m the only one who still does, so how dare you, Capcom, how dare you listen to what fans are complaining about and then give it to them in a funny and different way, you are actually worse than Hitler, do you know that? I don’t know about you, but I’m buying a ticket to Comic-Con so I can personally make sure Seth Killian actually gets punched in the face this time, because it was probably his decision.

Darksiders 2 is nothing if not thematically consistent...
















I’ll be generous here and ignore the poorly textured floor made entirely of skulls.





I realise I missed his knees here but I also ignored the big pile of skulls in the background.











I love how one of the most sparing pictures still has a GIANT FUCKING SKULL.




Actually, that one’s not so ba-....wait a minute.



What is that?



Darksiders don’t you try to pull this on me!



FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU





137 skulls in 13 screenshots.

Darksiders 2: It’s about death in case you didn't know!

Coming this June!

Merry Christmas Destructoid! Chances are if you’re reading this you’re having a lovely time relaxing by the warm glow of the internet, or, you had to get the hell out of there and let your brain rest for a minute, either way my mind-dulling insipid dronings should put you at ease for the moment. Not really much point to this post, I saw all the Christmas cheer flying around on Christmas Eve and just thought I’d throw another Yule log on the fire.



I really do love this place, the staff are constantly amazing, turning videogame news into videogame entertainment on an hourly basis, and are genuine, nice people who care about games at it shows in everything they write. And the community, you people are just astounding, I honestly lack the verbal fortitude to adequately describe the feelings of utter delight you inspire in me, you people are what make this place feel like home.

Home, that’s a word I’ve heard a lot recently from people talking about Destructoid, but I think it holds true, it’s hard to imagine something you could call home in something as intangible as a website but that’s how I, and apparently many others, feel about this place. And it’s all thanks to the support and continual reassurance of the community, yes you, reading this right now, thank you.



I’d love to mention a few of the people I appreciate in particular, I would love to name names, but I can’t, I know I would forget someone and I’d hate for anybody to be left out. I’d also love to say something like “you know who you are” but chances are you don’t, you don’t know the positive effects you’ve had on my life, so I’ll just thank everyone, thank you to the staff, who keep this ship afloat and never fail to entertain, thank you to the community, who have made this a place where the worst case scenario for openly stating you opinion is an interesting debate and always motivate me to try and write better blogs for you, and thank you so much Neiro for giving us this place to call home.



I’ll stop now, if this blog gets any sweeter it would literally be a kitten covered in syrup, and then the syrup would harden and petrify the kitten inside, and then I would carry the syrup-stasis kitten around on a walking stick like the guy from Jurassic Park. I’d have liken to do something a little more creative but instead why don’t we remember that poem I wrote and imagine all the references I made were still relevant.

Merry Christmas!

(I know, worst title ever)

Hey, you know those stupid prediction articles that are all made up of guesswork skewed by the writer’s personal preferences, the ones that serve to only stroke the writer’s ego as they furrow their brows and pretend to be the next Michael Pachter as if being the next Michael Pachter is something to aspire to?
Yeah, let’s do one of those!

So, Final Fantasy, you may have heard of it, chances are you have strong opinions about it, and the general consensus seem to be that it isn’t as good as it used to be, when exactly “used to be” was differs from person to person, but I’d imagine most don’t exactly consider the current games to be living up to the legacy. That’s why I want to talk about Versus XIII, and its potential to revitalise the franchise, if not outright save it. (Save it from mediocrity that is, it’s not like they’ll stop making money anytime soon)

FF13 was a bit of a mixed bag, there’s been plenty of blogs about the games problems and merits so I won’t open that particular can of worms just yet, personally I thought it was a good game but a poor Final Fantasy, if that makes any sense. Instead, I’d like to look at where the franchise is headed with both 13-2 and Versus and why I think these two games are a pivotal fork in the road for SquareEnix’s future success, or at the least, their reputation.



Final Fantasy XII-2......hwaaaa........ to be honest, I don’t think it’ll be a good game, like, at all, in the slightest, I have zero confidence in it, and this is coming from someone who’s indifferent to the last game at worst. Square say they’re addressing the problems people had with the first game, but from everything we know so far I just can’t see how things are improving. Let’s start with the characters, the heart and soul of any FF game, Sarah and Noel seem to be the only permanent party members from the looks of things, so I hope ya like ‘em ‘cause you’re stuck with ‘em. Call me sceptical, but I don’t see Noel’s “carefree, charge in head-on” attitude breaking new ground as far as JRPGs go, and Sarah, quite frankly, seems like she was more interesting when she was an inanimate object, she looked like she stood a better chance in a fight when she was made of glass too.

Granted this is all hearsay till the game comes out, maybe they’ll have a surprising amount of depth, maybe we’ll be able to explore their characters more deeply now that there are only two party members, maybe while expanding her horizons and travelling the wider world Sarah will start to develop feelings for Noel or question her engagement to Snow. But, I just don’t see it happening. Speaking of the story, remember how FF13’s plot, while not terribly complicated, was made confusing because they kept inserting their own terminology for words that already existed and just generally did a bad job telling us what was happening? Well guess how they’re going to remedy that confusion?



Time travel and alternate dimensions! Because if there’s two things that can make a story coherent and easy to understand it’s time travel and alternate dimensions. There’s plenty of other stuff too, the battle system is being tweaked, so that’s really a matter of personal preference (I liked it once you had a decent amount of options), the third party member being replaced with monsters you collect, QTEs, a lot of reused assets, which I guess is to be expected from a game turned out in less than a year. Then there’s the plot, Noel and Sarah have to travel through time to save Lightning from an alternate dimension where she is a warrior goddess locked in a battle with an unkillable villain who has been described as “Her version of Sephiroth” and looks like he was specifically designed so we could laugh at cosplayers at a later date.

I have a black eye because that plot synopsis made me curl my fist in rage and facepalm at the same time. Honestly, this may be the worst direction I’ve seen a series take since Suicide Bomberman. But enough, I didn’t mean to harp on 13-2 so long, nor did I intend to be so hard on it, but everything I see just rubs me the wrong way, and I don’t think all the moogles and pink hair in the world can save it now (sorry Dale).The most I can expect is an improved battle system but the story and characters, and how both seem to be lacking, may drag it down. And again, all this is just speculation till we get some proper time with it, I’d be thrilled to be proven wrong.



But anyway, this blog is supposed to be about hope! And I believe Versus 13 is Final Fantasy’s best hope for a return to form. I can’t remember the last time I read something about FF13 or 13-2 without Versus being brought up. One of Verses’ greatest strength is its status as a spinoff, you see, every Final Fantasy game has to both reinvent the wheel and stay familiar, they need to create a new world, characters, battle system and story, all while making sure to include chocobos, moogles, summons, menu based battles, airships, magic, fabulous character designs, Cactuar, crystals, a guy named Cid and much more. It’s like a bird trying to fly while still clutching its cage in its talons, basically, Final Fantasy has too much baggage.

Versus on the other hand, can pick and choose whatever it wants, they have the freedom to go nuts with this one and still retain the production values most games could only dream of. Of what we know, there are a few points of interest that seem to be shaking thing up in all the right ways, in my eyes at least.


“This is a fantasy based on reality” as stupid as that sentence is, it raises an interesting idea about where we’ve been in FF games up to this point. We’ve seen medieval, fantasy, steampunk, cyberpunk, futuristic and all sorts of weird in-betweens. But we’ve yet to see anything close to our own world, sure there’ll still be monsters and magic, but seeing it in a world we can relate to is at least worth a mention. This extends beyond just cities that look like real cities, an old fashioned world map that’s now to human scale, and a slightly less pretentious and exaggerated story are things to look forward to.



Violence. Cast your mind back, years ago, to that first trailer we saw for Versus. Do you remember the shock you felt as you saw the protagonist impale a soldier? Do you remember the surprise and, admit it, thrill you got as you saw him snap another soldier’s neck? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of violence or gore, in fact the more I see in a game the more desperate the developer seems to me *coughVisceralGamescough*, M rarely stands for Mature, just inappropriate for children. But if one series could benefit from “aging it up” it’s Final Fantasy. I’m not asking for gore, but a bit of bloodshed would certainly reinforce the darker, down to earth tones we’ve seen so far.

We don’t know much about the battle system yet, but what we have seen has me really excited for one simple reason – options/variety. I’m not talking about “will I cast thunder or blizzard”, I’m talking about taking out the pilot of a giant robot and deciding to hop in and control it for yourself, I’m talking about fighting an enemy manning a turret and turning it against its allies, I’m talking about luring a monster near an explosive material and switching over to the character who wields guns and going into third person shooting to trigger the explosion. Have we seen this kind of thing in other games? Absolutely. But have we had it in RPGs, especially this style? Not to my knowledge. It’s not even that big a deal in the grand scheme (I basically said I’m excited for exploding barrels), but even the best of battle systems can get repetitive after 40 hours, things like this are what keep us guessing and keep things interesting.



I love Final Fantasy, we all do, everyone has fond memories of it peppered throughout their life, but how many times can you reboot the same basic concept? Is there any other series in any other form of media that’s been reimagined thirteen times? Final Fantasy is like The Simpsons, it was amazing in its heyday, but it’s running out of steam, and the sad truth is it may never be as good as it once was. But maybe that’s okay, because when the Simpsons started to go downhill we got Futurama! That’s how I see Versus, not so much a hark back to the past or a huge leap into unknown territory, but a sidestep, familiar yet experimental, something fresh but still within our comfort zone, branching out but with an assured level of quality. And in the end, isn’t that what Final Fantasy has always been doing?

Hopefully we’ll see it soon, right after Half-life 3 and the new Jet Set Radio.



BLAAAH. That went on way longer then it needed to, I actually don’t feel so good about this blog, I procrastinated for weeks and even ended up writing other stuff in between. But it was just one of those weird ones you just need to get off chest and out of your system you know?

Also, that moogle that transforms into a sword and bow is just dumb. And this in coming from a guy who still thinks gunblades are cool.