Blah blah blah, it's me, Gobun. Lets be honest, I'm jumping on this bandwagon because I love myself some attention and it seems to be my only form of nourishment these days.




Bonus: I lost 30 weights since the picture on the right column. Beastmodo


10. I'm 6'1. 6'2 on a good day.
Above average height master race reporting in. Feels good man. I've met some of you people and ya'lls be small. Or freakishly lanky *COUGH MAX COUGH*


9. I'm slowly destroying myself for the greater good with cigarettes. Progressing very well so far.
Best part is, I'm enjoying it. Mmmmm mmmmmm.


8. I've had this leather cap since I was about 17.
Which means this hat will have been around for almost 5 years. I love this fucking hat.


7. I'm an attention whore. Lets not kid ourselves.
I dunno what it is. I'd say issues, but more like volumes.


6. If you look up the word "Vanity" in the dictionary, you can see a picture of me doing a duck face.
If you counted how much time I spend looking at myself in the mirror everyday you'd get about 20 minutes. Easily.


5. I rarely play video games anymore.
These past couple months, it feels like all of my technology is breaking around my. This computer I'm typing to you on is on its last legs as it is. No more consoles except my fucking Wii and 3DS. Overall though, I'm pretty bored with all its got to offer me lately. Everything is starting to feel really samey, and just kind boring to me. It doesn't help that shit like "On disc DLC" exists either. Haven't bought a capcom game since, what? MvC3. Fuck that noise dude. Sure it might be a fucking business. But I like to think of it like this: "Would you pay an extra 5 dollars for a movie ticket (That already costs 13 dollars in my area) to see the first 15 minutes of the movie you already payed admission to?". Fuck that, I got other shit to do like...


4. Listening to a fuck ton of music.
It's been a long way since I've been that guy that only listens to hits. Or single tracks. I have about 30 days of continuous play of music, and thats not me bragging. Thats me saying I'm still way off from what I would like to say is a "decent" collection of music. Here are some opinions as well as other shit:

>"The Avalanches - Since I Left You" continues to be my favorite album of all time. Feel bad saying it, but found them through the YTMND soundtrack back when I stomped around there when they were still good.



>"Nullsleep - Supernova Kiss" is the most emotional chiptune album you'll ever hear
>Can't get into "The Mars Volta". I'm sorry as fuck.
>"Sleigh Bells - Reign of Terror" was pretty solid album. Had some weak songs though.
>I like modern ragtime/freakfolk/hobocore/folkpunk/fuckidunnoman
>Took me about a year and a half to get into the Animal Collective as well as Neutral Milk Hotel. But I finally understand those feels.
>I would totally bang Kreayshawn's Mom. She used to be in garage/surf punk bands. Look her up

Which brings me to:


3.I love me some cute chubby girls
No not morbidly obese. Good lord get that image out of your head. I dunno bro, I'm just like way more physically attracted to thicker women. Most skinny women don't do anything for me. Most of em are also the most boring people I've ever met. Jesus. I'm just like, what do you do other than party? Nothing? Okay. Great.


2. Lately, I've been called hipster a lot. Thas kewl I guess. Although I consider myself more indie (hurr)
But for realizies, what the fuck does it even mean to be a hipster anymore? It's funny because I see the word "hipster" as just another buzzword to describe something as "different or something I don't fucking understand". Das cool though, go ahead.


1. Around this time 3 years ago, I posted a picture of myself completely nude on the forums. Only thing in the picture that was covering my junk was a Game Boy Micro which was made possible by a brilliant tuck job done by yours truly.
Why did I do it? For pewps and teehees and because I had to beat someone at their own game. Too bad I lost the picture forever.


Thats it. The most I've fucking written in a long time.

EDIT: LIGHTNING ROUND

0. I love talking to people, actually.
As much as I love to say I hate almost everything, talking and being around people is something:
A. I'm really good at (So I think)
B. Something I like doing
Especially meeting other Destructoid members. All of you are way more interesting than myself.

About a week ago, I sent Max Scoville a picture of my left foot.



Glorious Gobun leg hair



Fabu Gobun work shoe



Sensual Gobun loving



Max fondles some book I've never heard of



Playing on my 3DS



Max has his foot loved up on by Skeletor



Glorious and manly Gobun foot blister skin



Max spoons with a unicorn


Time for a change of battlefield, Max. Your move:


My left foot enjoys Djarum Blacks in bed for some reason.

Christmas came late this year since I was involved in like Forums Secret Santa n shit and I admit that I've been acting like a huge baby bitch because I haven't received my God damn gift yet.

But I got it.
Yesterday.
Evening.



Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit whats this business?

So I totes opened this magic bag up expecting it to be like three hundred Mickey Mouse dolls because the person that got me was the one and only SAXY GATORZ whom we all know loves, eats, sleeps, dreams, creeps, peeps, weeps, smells, tastes, feels, stalks, wears, works at, and is Disney. I'm not insulting either, mother fucker loves Disney. And hes normal. I've met some seriously weird fucking Disney people. There used to be this dude I worked with back when I was like a web manager n shit and we shared an office space with him. Every day, this guy would come up to me with a DIFFERENT Disney pin that he would harness onto his like, little sweater vest thing and he would come up and give me a God damn history lesson on what was on it. One time he regaled me about the first time he saw Steam Boat Mickey and fucking cried a little. It was weird.

Alright anyway, so I cracked that bag open and what was it?



A mother fucking ant farm

I see this thing. My lid flips.
I harken back to a time when I was only knee high and didn't kick any asses. My only friends were the ants and I was too derpy to order the real ants, so I ended up spooning various ants from my neighborhood into my ant farm. This didn't end well because I didn't know that ants from different like nests would fight so I imagined my ant farm looking like Oz or a very tiny gang tussle. Like some ant accidently steps on another ants shoes and it starts some shit. Bullets are flying and mandibles are uhh I guess being gnashed or something. Regardless all them ants died and I was sad.


So what the fuck is this 21 year old gonna with an ant farm?
I'll fucking tell you:

-Raise ants to believe I am their God and Master
-Teach them how to march
-Maybe start a fucking ant circus starring only ant strongmen.
-Get really fat because I'll never half to walk again, I'll just give people the illusion that I'm like floating around, but its really because I got like a fucking million ants carring me around under my shoes
-Teach ants to assemble and form the body of a human male. Like an ant golem
-Teach them how to steal like cheeseburgers or something


Fuck man, who would fuck with a guy who is like an Ant Wizard or an Antcromancer? No one, thats who. I'd be like The Pain from MGS3 but with ants. STRENGTH IN NUMBERS BABY. Who says ants cant fuck shit up? Everyones gotta sleep. All I gotta do is whisper to my lil ant bros to go #occupy someone's lungs and you'll wake up and be like "WELP GOT ANTS IN MY LUNGS CANT GO TO WORK". And thats it, your life is OVER.

Thats it. I gotta go be busy being God or something.

Alright so lately, I've been GIVING away Tribes: Ascend beta keys.


If you don't know what Tribes: Ascend is, time to open up those holes on the sides of your heads and listen with your eyes what I'm about to fucking type.

This game. This game. This gaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmeeeeee.



It's so good.

Basically, it's like Space Quidditch except the gay wizards and broomsticks are replaced with space robot people that have kickass jetpacks and frictionless boots for GOING FAST. You like have this rocket launcher thing that shoots blue plates of spaghetti at people, but you gotta time it right. Heres a picture of the learning curve.



Yeah. Basically it makes you into a man of men.

Anyway, you have a fucking jetpack. What more could I say? Oh yeah, thats right. FRICITIONLESS-GODDAMN-BOOTS. You know what that means? Going like Mach-5 down a fucking bunnyslope with your bros while fistpumping to some speedcore. Hell, you'd probably will see more va-jay-jay playing this video game then trying to pick up chicks in your mustard yellow pinto.


Here are some more fine points:
-Did I mention there are explosions? Everything is exploding, all at once, constantly, every second.
-Theres also like 30 fucking classes or something.
-Game has been patched every week so far
-Automatic weapons are no longer hitscan, so they're no longer bullshit
-16 vs. 16 CTF
-Turrets, tanks, motorcycles, jets
-It's free

Oh yeah. The game is free. FREE TO PLAY BABBY.


"But Gobuns! How do I get this fine piece of man-making amusement on my COMPUTADORA"
1. Shut the fuck up.
2. Open your stupid facebook.
3. Scroll past the dumb bitch with the duckface, shes not gonna suck your dick.
4. Like that Tribes: Ascend fanbookpage shit.

After you follow those steps, it'll probably spit a beta code at you and you'll be ready to shazbot all over the place.

There you go. I'm GIVING everyone the gift of a good fucking video game and if you don't like it, you can GIVE me some oral pleasure while GIVING me all your moneys.
Merry Chaunachristmas.




XXXXXXXXXXXXO, Gobun

So I like sandwiches a lot. This is a blog about sandwiches.


YEAH!




This is the beginning of a sandwich. It's a slice of white bread. Because wheat bread is disgusting.
I turned this slice of bread into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich later.




This is a porkchop sandwich with a side of porkchops because I'm fat. I feel that the Black Mesa mug compliments it very well.



This is a me sandwiched in between Gabe Newell and some guy who works on Diablo 3.



This is a brisket sandwich. It's got munster cheese. It was a damn good sandwich.



A burrito is like a Mexican sandwich. It's got the basic mechanics being that it's got a bready outside and a meaty inside.



This is suck sandwich cause it sucks. Who the fuck puts mustard on a chicken sandwich? You don't put mustard on white meat unless MAYBE it's dijon mustard. Fuck you.


That's it.

I have the urge to write and I have nothing video game related to say other than this:

-The characterization choices of the protagonists in Dead Island are beyond piss poor. It seems they gave the men the most interesting backgrounds by making them massive failures and they just chalked up the women to being military/police. I feel like they gave them those roles almost to try and push away from most female character stereotypes, but you really just made them boring. I mean, why couldn’t the hotel receptionist (Who was is also a Chinese spy) just be a hotel receptionist?

-Whats going on with the Fallout: New Vegas DLC? Whys it suck so hard? Why are you so unscathed after each episode? I feel there should be some long term consqeunces that happen to New Vegas after completing a DLC other than having some of the new weapons up for purchase from the Gun Runners.

-I was really excited about being a 3DS ambassador and getting some free games, but I realized I will never play them because I have other shit to play.

-Tokyo Game Show happened. I didn’t keep up with any of it.

-The new PSP is fucking up. Just as I though it would. Pretty happy I’ll be styling on my 3DS with Monster Hunter. I don’t give a shit about the extra nub. Cry some more.

-Project Zomboid is everything I want it in a zombie game, only that it controls like a broken rascal.


ANYWAY.

Check out this sandwich I ate.





It’s called a “Fat Jerry”. It’s got cheesesteak, chicken fingers, French fries, bacon, fried eggs, ketchup and mayo on a garlic hoagie. ITS ALL MY FAVORITE JUNK FOOD IN ONE SANDWICH. I’m so glad a place like this exists and that I’m not the only one who wants to cram terrible junk for you in a roll and call it a sandwich.






I’ve been listening to a lot of Weezer lately (Only the blue album). I grew up listening to this album and I always thought they were stupid songs. Being older though, I have much more of an appreciation for some of the memories that they carry for me. Makes me wonder why it took me so long to start listening to this album again.

I’ve been playing Team Fortress 2 with Gatsby. This is what happens:

{RiP}Gobun: NO MORE
Gatsby: no mas
{RiP}Gobun: all of that was painful
{RiP}Gobun: Lets play some more though, me/jro/julius are alweays playing
{RiP}Gobun: Get some sleep VALON THE TALON
Gatsby: alright sure, I just reinstalled to play with dtoid folk, so hit me up
{RiP}Gobun: for sure bro
Gatsby: and I will, after I have some sad lonely time with sasha gray
Gatsby: night dude
{RiP}Gobun: she takes some crazy anal
{RiP}Gobun: like impressive amounts of ass poundings
Gatsby: and throat fuckings, I don't know how her esophogus has maintained any elasticity
Gatsby: like if she tries and eat solid foods does shit get trapped in there
Gatsby: I don't know
{RiP}Gobun: maybe she doesn't even have to chew
{RiP}Gobun: she just kinda ducks everything
{RiP}Gobun: like kirby
Gatsby: just dehinges that jaw
{RiP}Gobun: like an anaconda lol
{RiP}Gobun: and it comes out the same out of her ass
Gatsby: yeah, it passes easier
{RiP}Gobun: she will swallow and birth a sandwich all in one day
{RiP}Gobun: it will look exactly the same as it did going in
Gatsby: Except with the addition of jalepenos
Gatsby: of unknown origin
{RiP}Gobun: Those were from her breakfast burrito, they got stuck
{RiP}Gobun: You ever wonder how much ass cleaning someone goes through before anal?
{RiP}Gobun: Like
{RiP}Gobun: YOu gotta have a good diet
{RiP}Gobun: eat lotsa fiber
Gatsby: I hear some of them get it bleached
Gatsby: but pinching off perfect fiberous turds helps
{RiP}Gobun: Don't they only bleach their asshole
{RiP}Gobun: For just, you know
{RiP}Gobun: show
{RiP}Gobun: So its not all discolored n whatnot
Gatsby: That'd make more sense, but you'd think they have a shit prod or something that they can just stick in there before the shoot
Gatsby: they have to get it all stretched anyway
{RiP}Gobun: Like a back scratcher
{RiP}Gobun: for you bung
{RiP}Gobun: a poop scratcher if you will
Gatsby: Yeah, with the same hand and everything
{RiP}Gobun: Yeah that same lil hand
Gatsby: low budget shoots just have one of those lying around
{RiP}Gobun: Its some other guys job to make sure the hole is good to go
{RiP}Gobun: He moonlights as a fluffer, his main job is a sexcavator
Gatsby: An exiled doctor who must inspect the inner depths of colons for bacteria as he bides his time for redemption
{RiP}Gobun: I'm putting this conversation in the bar
{RiP}Gobun: because this is awesome
{RiP}Gobun: I love you Gatsbro
Gatsby: I love you too Gobbro


(Why am I proud of this?)



I wish more people would let the little stuff go sometimes. It's sad to see friends or family get so riled up over nothing. And I always seem to make the mistake of trying to make a difference or setting things right only to make it worse. What can you do?




So it goes.