I was one of the true believers. What did I believe? That Resident Evil 5 would be just about the best thing ever. That being able to play with a friend was only going to enhance the experience. That Capcom would not let me down under any circumstances. That these fools who considered the very idea of multiplayer in Resident Evil to be some sort of affront to humanity were all going to be proven wrong.

Of course, who could really blame me for feeling that way? Capcom had previously delivered what I consider to be one of the greatest video games of all time in Resident Evil 4. That they had done this while making drastic changes to the series formula only served to fuel my confidence in my opinions even more. What's more, they even decided to combine this new method of frightening and tense action-oriented gameplay with fan favorite characters Chris Redfield and Wesker. The graphics were beautiful. The story was going back to the beginning in a sense. Everything seemed to be going perfectly.

Then the game came out. I spent all weekend trying to find a store that was breaking the street date but was unsuccessful until about 6 hours before the game's scheduled midnight release. I got the game, went to a friends house, and we proceeded to play the game for 13 hours straight. We finished it in one sitting. When I was done, I felt extremely satisfied, like I had just slept with a supermodel after killing some Nazis. You know, routine stuff. Then I went back and played the game by myself.



Never mind that the game is absolutely awful to play with a CPU controlled partner. What really stood out was that I never felt tense or nervous like I did while playing Resident Evil 4. Slowly I began to realize that I never felt that way while playing with my friend either. Lost in all of the explosions, gunshots, and healing Sheva by touching her breasts was that feeling of tension that the Los Illuminados used to fill me with. That jumpy, What-the-shit spanish people are suffocating me feeling was gone, replaced by the knowledge that either my friend or some African chick were going to be there to back me up and even work together with me to progress. After all, the idea of cooperation was suggested throughout the game even if it was only ever a bullshit excuse to enable co-op. You were meant to feel like you have a pal to back you up.

One example of this is an early encounter with a chainsaw wielding maniac. The game finds a way to separate both players, which theoretically should be a bit more tense than when you're standing side by side. But it doesn't, because the game gives one player the opportunity to take a few wide open shots at the incoming zombies from a nice flanking point. I didn't realize it at the time, but this is when I should have started asking angry questions like "What the fuck is this? Gears of War:The African Front?" followed by another "What the fuck". As I said before, this wasn't the case at first.



No, Resident Evil 5 is a cruel god. It quickly reveals it's deception which then slowly turns to disappointment over time. Not just another game to me, I was in fact ready to take it's big, black zombie penis straight inside me for all eternity. This was like finding out that the sexiest, sweetest and most beautiful man who wants to have anal sex with you has a diamond encrusted Prince Albert ready to rip you to shreds as soon as you bend over for him. Which, of course, is exactly what I did. I ranted about how awesome the game was to anybody who would listen for the first couple of months. I feel like an idiot sometimes when I think about how obsessed I was with the game.

Beyond destroying the strongest component of Resident Evil 4's gameplay, Resident Evil 5's insistence on 2 people killing Africans as a duo also invaded the game's story. For some reason I can't get over the fact that Wesker was killed by Chris Redfield and some new girl. Why couldn't it at least be somebody with a real history within the series? Instead we got some sexy ass bitch with a made-up back story about Umbrella fucking her village over. That gives her common ground with other main characters but does nothing to make her stand out from the pack. I just didn't care for her.

This is not to say the game is bad. It's certainly a fun romp with a friend and it does continue the series story and brings things somewhat full circle. It has incredible action set pieces and shooting black people in the face is always a good time (at least if you're a cop) . But it's not what I expected nor what I wanted. Only what I thought I wanted. It wasn't made for me. It was made for Call of Duty fans. That's fine. I've accepted that. Just make the next game for people like me.



As I look forward to playing Resident Evil 6, I can't help but worry about what Capcom is working on. 600 different people have worked on this game? Something tells me they don't all work in the same building and if that's the case I suspect there are different people working on different portions of the game. A fractured development for a numbered entry isn't what this series needs. Hopefully things will turn out better this time. Only time will tell whether or not Resident Evil has truly been lost to the corporate machine that Capcom seems to be slowly turning into.

Hopefully they won't disappoint me this time.

When I think back to my childhood and the games I played, there are a few series and franchises that stand out for the amount of interest they garnered from me and the subsequent amount of time I spent playing them. Pretty much all of these were on Nintendo consoles, except one. As you've probably deduced by now from the title and because you're not a fucking moron, that "exception" was Sonic the Hedgehog for the Sega Genesis.

I really enjoyed the time I spent playing those original Sonic games. I even had the pinball game, Sonic Spinball. But that's where it ends for me. I never owned a Sega CD and so never owned Sonic CD until just a few months ago. And while I owned a Dreamcast and a copy of Sonic Adventure, I've always hated that game and all it's shitty sequels and follow-ups. But regardless of how I feel about all of this shit, I only ever dealt with the games. I watched the original cartoon once or twice and the same goes for some Sonic comics. I was busy with super-heroes when it came to cartoons and comics.

But my son? My 6 old is a fan of just about EVERYTHING Sonic related. Some may say this is cool or a good thing or we could use it to bond, and they would be somewhat correct, but then again it also means that my son enjoys watching this:

There's supposed to be a video here but I can't figure out how to embed one for the life of me. This used to be so easy. Even the cblogs suck now....

The lyrics are as follows:

(Sonic)
Triplets Born
The Throne Awaits
A seer warns of a deadly fate
Give up your children
Separate
Bide Your Time
Lie In Wait
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
They made a vow their mother will be found

The children grow
Learn what's right
Leaders of the freedom fight
They seek their mother
She knows they do
It is time if she only knew
Will the prophecy come true?
Sonic Underground (Sonic)
Sonic Underground
Queen Aleena: "I long for my children but I have to wait.
To act too soon could seal their fate!"
They made a vow their mother will be found
Sonic Underground!

Fuck you Sonic Underground. Fuck you and your whore mother.

Just read that shit. FUCKING READ IT. You know you didn't click the link. It's OK, my parents are racist Catholics so I forigve you. That shit is awful though , huh? Is this what it was like for my parents with Power Rangers or the Super Mario cartoon? I loved the Super Mario cartoon But the show isn't the only thing. There are expensive action figures, stupid spin-off games like Sega All Stars Racing and Sonic Riders, and other junk he wants to buy. This is all without mentioning how much of a letdown he's in for if he spends his MS Points on Sonic Adventure and finds out it sucks dick.

Hell, wait until he plays pretty much any game besides the 2D side scrolling one's he currently enjoys. I'm banking on thrown controllers and lots of screaming at the TV about how it's not fair that Sonic The Hedgehog for the 360 is so hard. Right now he only plays Sonic 2, 3, and 4 Episode 1. But that's enough for now. As you might have noticed, my son is pretty much just like any other 6 year old. They latch onto characters or brands for a few months before moving on and finding something new to obsess over. It's really not that bad. I just find myself sitting here with 10 minutes to spare before I get my son off of the school bus and I just stepped on one of those expensive fucking action figures. Super Sonic is a cocksucking bastard. Fuck him in his yellow ear.

Anyway, it's been good getting out some more frustration with you guys. This is most certainly a throw-away post, so feel free to treat it as such and just throw it away. Or alternatively you could digest it slowly and painfully and then shit it out quickly and with much moisture. Whatever floats your boat. I need to get my son and then ice my foot. I fucking hate toys. See ya.....

Yes, that title was clearly a desperate plea for your attention, something I used to care dearly about. These days I've got so much going on in my life that I really don't have a lot of time to spend with you. I know, I know, none of you even know who the hell I am anymore. But I used to write good blogs that people read and commented on. I used to feel good about myself knowing that somebody gave a rat's ass what I thought about the games I played or the current events within the industry. I've wanted that feeling again for a long time, but life kind of got in the way. Besides that, knowing that my kids worship me like a God makes me feel way better than you great people could! BTW, that was a compliment.

So today I find myself with some spare time. Lots of it, in fact. My poor wife, the one I usually talk massive amounts of shit about in this blog, is still in the hospital. She's going to be OK, although she may need to change her diet for the rest of her life. She's got some issues down in her stomach area. I don't know why, but it's somehow related to having a C-Section. I really don't know. I'm so busy and she's so drugged up that sometimes I feel like there's some information I'm missing. Whatever. As long as they tell me she'll eventually be fine, that whatever. So anyway, here I am, alone. The kids are with their grandmother because I work nights and need sleep during the day. But enough about all that, on to the big news!

Kobe Alexander Wayne (Last name withheld) was born on October 29th at 10:54 PM. He was 19 inches long and weighed about 7lbs 3 oz. He was 2 weeks early because his mother slipped and fell in the snow while walking up the driveway! While scary when it happened, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My wife had been begging the doctors to take the baby out of her for a week by that point and she was just totally miserable. So it all worked out well in that regard. Obviously not everything worked out perfectly, but it was cool at the time!

So now I sit here, alone, with no kids and nothing to do. For some odd reason, playing a game doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I've had Uncharted 3 since the day it came out and still have no laid a finger on it! Of course, Uncharted is a special game for my wife and I, as it's the only game she enjoys watching me play. So I've decided to wait until she comes home, difficult as it is to do so. I really want to see what happens to Nathan Drake next! Besides that, I've got Skyrim sitting around waiting for me. Oh, and a ton of Riddler Trophies and challenge maps in Arkham City. So many games to play and so little time!

To be honest, there's one game I'm more interested in above all others. One game I won't wait to play. That game would be The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword! After reading a metric fuck-ton of reviews, I am totally fucking pumped for this entry in the Zelda series. I hear it's a bit more linear than past games, which sounds like it's really right up my alley. As I get older, I find myself preferring to have my hand held in regards to what do next in a game. I can't stand getting lost or not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. Not that Zelda was ever confusing, but it's always been a bit sprawling and intimidating.

Anyway, that's all I've got right now. Sorry for the crappy writing, but as always I never edit my blogs nor do I spend more than 15 minutes writing them. My mind is all over the place, so this is what you get.

Don't say I never gave you anything! See you around, Dtoid.

Hey there Destructoid! How the fuck are ya? That's really swell. Me? I'm great dude. Planning on talking about a game and doing some shameless whoring. What can I say? I can't fucking sleep and I'm bored and lonely. I thought perhaps we could keep each other company. Maybe even indulge in the warm embrace of each others non-muscular arms. You know, if you're into that sort of thing.

Right then. I've been playing some Crysis 2 lately. I've been having myself a great time with it, too, which surprised the semen out me. Unlike most gamers I encounter, I'm not a big fan of single player campaigns in FPS games. I'm usually far more interested in the online aspects of the FPS genre, something that is no doubt attributable to the fact that I'm a dad and have limited time to game. It's more accessible to me due to it's pick up and play nature and lack of investment in a story I might not be able to continue for a week due to obligations like sleeping with my overweight wife and then watching a movie with her. Of course, that's not the only reason. There's also masturbating to attractive women (Gotta get mine!). Oh, and the things in the next paragraph too.

Usually the stories in single-player bore the fucking shit out of me. The characters are often dumb fucking meat heads with bad senses of humor that just seem absolutely fucking desperate to try and shock you or get you pumped with their macho attitude. Of course they're also sometimes just boring or unoriginal. There's more reasons, but some I just can't really explain. I just can't get into most FPS games, except of course for Bulletstorm (See? Told you there would be shameless whoring). No Call of Duty for this overworked and stressed out waste of space.



But the strange thing is, Crysis 2 isn't exactly innovative. It's mostly the same old shit. Guns shoot, people and aliens die. The story is really throw-away, generic shit. The main character isn't a dumb-ass or annoying, but that's because he's silent. Really, this is probably for the best. I highly doubt he'd have anything to say that I'd want to fucking hear. But regardless of my feelings towards the boring main character and the cookie-cutter, stenciled in story, I love the gameplay. I like that I've got a lot of fucking options at my disposal most of the time, like a sandbox game, but that it's focused and pretty much linear throughout the game. I also kind of like using the powers, lame as they really are when I stop and think about it.

I mean, turning invisible and being bulletproof are cool, I guess, but the idea of them in my mind sounds lame. Whatever the case, I do enjoy sneaking around and stabbing bitches, or shooting them with the silenced shotgun. I've kind of found some enjoyment in the actual management of my suits powers. I'm playing on Veteran, which is like hard mode, not very hard, and the suit doesn't last long. Damage drains the armor, and using a weapon or walking usually drains the cloak, as does sprinting. So sometimes, although not always, you'll have to actually consider more than just whether or not to stay in cover or pop up and shoot. I don't know. I like it, for whatever reason. The outcome usually feels good. It's bizarre how much satisfaction I get out of killing dudes in this game. I can't really piece it all together, but there I am, playing the fucking game every chance I get. You should give a it a try if you get the chance.



Basically, I enjoy it because it has a good amount of checkpoints that save the game, and because it requires no real investment in the story. Of course, the gameplay is also rather enjoyable, and that is of course the most important fucking part of the equation when it comes to video games.

Anyway, like my Bulletstorm (again!) post, this isn't really a review. Those require too much sustained mental effort, something my old shrink used to tell me is hard for people like me. Whatever that meant. Guy was creepy anyway. He asked me if I ever tried my own jizz. He said this was normal and that he had done it when he was a teen. He did this while wearing that hat Jewish people wear. But that's a story for another time. Hopefully I'll get my new TV soon, and we can meet up and talk some more. I always enjoy our little chats. It's been real guys. Goodnight.

Yes, yes I did. And it was an oh-so-awesome fucking time. Every minute of it. Well, to be fair, a few rounds of Anarchy mode, the game's multiplayer option, with people I didn't know who didn't wear headsets, were kind of of lame. But that's maybe 30 minutes of about 55 to 60 hours I've probably played this game. And of those 60 hours, approximately 60 hours of it was a fantastic and fun-filled time.

I'm sure some of you have played the game and are wondering how I could possibly spent that much time on it. And believe me you, I totally fucking understand where you're coming from if you feel that way. Usually I'm the guy sitting here trying to fathom how anybody could spend so much fucking time with one particular game. For the most part I just beat games and move on, or play multiplayer and never even bother with the campaign or story. But Bulletstorm is different.

You see, unlike most FPS games, BS (as it will be called from here on out) has a great little thing called Echoes. Sure, some games have a "Firefight" type mode, but that's different. That's just waves of increasingly difficult enemies. In BS, you'll be going through a level with the same enemies in the same spots every time. Some might say it seems like a recipe for boredom and staleness and all that other shit. But it's not. It takes the satisfaction derived from killing people in violent ways and mixes it with the satisfaction of getting a higher score than your previous tries. It's basically melding new-school gaming with old-school sensibilities and then covering it in blood and immature humor (my favorite type of humor in games).



Now ordinarily I'd probably play each level a few times and then move on with my life. But not this time. I played each level 10s if not 100s of times each. Why? The answer is simple: I'm actually pretty good at this game, unlike just about every other game that features leader boards. I've been ranked as high as 180 in terms of Total Score, which is all levels combined. I've been ranked as high as 5th in individual levels, especially when the game was first released, and even as high as the 20s and 30s weeks after release. Now? Who knows. Haven't played in a few weeks. The wife had me playing Halo:Reach with her and now I've got Crysis 2 to fool around with for a while. But I do plan on going back to this game again, something I almost never do. I've got a Very Hard play through that I'm about 3/4 of the way done with, and I know that once I fire the game up I won't turn it off until I best one of my current high scores. The game is just that fucking addictive to me.

Now, before you all say "Nobody gives a fuck about your BS skills (pun intended) you dork", I'm not trying to brag. One can hardly brag about something of this sort unless they're in the top 10 or something like that. I'm merely attempting to show you why I enjoy the game so much. Of course, it's not just the addictive nature of the game. It's a blast to play in general. The story, while somewhat light and not really thought-provoking or well nuanced, is expertly paced and wonderfully written. You'll find yourself laughing a lot, unless you're a tight ass or an old man who watches Fox News, and you'll probably even care a bit about the characters, which I found impressive. It's hard to make me care about a guy who drinks constantly and gets extremely excited for what he calls "Murder-time!". I mean, guy's practically a sociopath. But your companion Ishi is a nice counter to the insanity that is Grayson Hunt.



Now, this isn't really a review, because reviews require thought, and this took about 20 minutes to write, and that's including the giant shit break I took in the middle (Sausage sandwiches, beer, hash and baseball will do that to you). I just felt like telling you guys my thoughts, even though my previous blog (shameless self-promotion FTW) claimed I'd probably save my expanded thoughts on BS for a dual-review of it along with Crysis 2. But my wife is watching Young Victoria and I'm not really down with that, so here I am, infecting your C-blogs, clogging up your interwebs with my bullshit. That's just how it goes. Life isn't always fair.

But worry not, dear Destructoidians. For now it is time for my comeuppance: My wife is making me watch Resident Evil:Afterlife on Blu-Ray with her. She bought it today in anticipation of the arrival of our 3D TV. I assume it has an extra disc with the 2D version or whatever. I dunno. She bought the 3D copy. And of course, this means I'll also be watching it again in 3D sometime in the future. I actually don't mind the other RE movies, as I'm not a purist and can separate the campy, B quality movies from the campy, B-movie like games, which while more coherent and better written, aren't exactly going to win awards for their stories or dialogue either. The films aren't good, but I usually get some laughs out of how stupid they are. But this one looks worse than the others, which didn't seem possible.

I'll stop bothering you now. Good night, fair kingdom of Destructoidia. Sleep well.

Hey there, Destructoid. How's it hanging? Probably not as low as my penis, but that's probably for the best. I notice that there has been a lot of hub-bub about the 3DS lately, and 3D in general seems like it's starting to take off, albeit slowly. So, like any good consumer whore, I decided to pony up and get with the fucking future.

Apparently, the future is expensive. I recently became the proud owner of a Nintendo 3DS, in ugly Aqua Blue or whatever they call it. It's fucking hideous and looks like a toy. But that's really besides the point. The real question for non-owners is: Is it any good? Well, of course it is. It's made by Nintendo. It's a high quality product as usual, with it's build quality being unmatched by almost any portable electronic device besides Apple's iThings. My wife and I had great fun taking 3D pictures of my penis. That was cool. 3D vaginas? Not so much. Ugh.

But what about the games? Well, ask somebody else because I don't own any of them.

Nope, not a one. I just can't find anything that really interests me in the launch line-up. I don't need another Street Fighter game. I already own it on the iPad and the fucking Xbox 360, not to mention the never played copy of Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 for the PS3. After that I just don't see anything worth 40 dollars.



And that's perfectly fine with me. You see, I don't play games on the go. Certainly not at work, and certainly not while driving my car in horrible New Jersey traffic. I'm mainly excited about the 3DS because it seems like the perfect marriage of Nintendo's drive for innovation and Sony's drive for high technology. Sure, the graphics aren't up to par with today's consoles, except for maybe the Wii, but seeing as how it's capable of making nice looking Resident Evil games, it's got more than enough power for me. In fact, the first game I plan to buy is Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D, unless the Zelda remake comes out first. I'm also excited to be able to play something like Super Mario Galaxy in 3D, even if it's just a remake.

I see good things in the future ahead. Hopefully I won't be disappointed. But just in case I am, I also bought something else the other day: A 3D TV



If you click the link, that's the actual model I ordered from Crutchfield. I took a trip to Best Buy to see the model, just to check it out. Would never buy it from them because I don't buy things from Best Buy, but it was a very nice TV. They did not have a 3D demo set up for this particular model, but the 2D image is among the best I've ever seen in it's price range. Customer reviews around the web say the 3D is good, so I decided to roll the dice and give it a shot. It'll be here in 5 to 10 business days!

Unfortunately, unless I want to spend 300 to 500 bucks on a starter kit, I'll be waiting a few weeks to actually see anything in 3D. You see, those instant rebates they offer that give you 2 pairs of glasses and a few movies for free are all on backorder. It's unfortunate, but I'm willing to wait instead of spend even more money. Whatever. First thing I'm doing is trying out Crysis 2, Resident Evil 5: Gold Edition, and Killzone 3 in fucking 3D. After that, I'll be picking up a copy of the 4 disc Tron: Legacy 3D Blu-Ray set.



Why Tron? Sure, the movie is almost pure fluff and practically incoherent, or at least ridiculous, but damned if it ain't fucking gorgeous. It's actually the first movie I saw in 3D in the theater. It's easily one of the prettiest movies I've ever seen, and I can't wait to see it again in my house.

Other than all that, yeah, I've been playing Crysis 2 a lot. I'm almost done with it. It's a great game, surprisingly. I'd rather not delve too much into the details right now. Perhaps a dual-review of it along with my favorite game so far this year, Bulletstorm, sometime in the future? Maybe. Probably fucking not. Besides, all you need to know about BS is that it's fucking awesome. Buy it if you haven't already. More than likely I may get on here and let you know how the 3D TV experience goes, whenever the glasses and 5 free movies show the hell up.

So long for now, Destructoid. You're always in my thoughts....